Childhood

Can one truly reconcile one's past with the present life?? Can one overcome childhood obstacles and transform oneself into someone else?? I ask the questions because I wonder about my own childhood and how I became who I am. I grew up in Appalachia, a desolate, grungy island stuck in poverty and backwoods ideas. Appalachia isn't really an island but it feels like it because one is so far removed from the outside world.

I knew my whole life growing up there, I never belonged there or in my family. I was too outspoken, too quiet,too different, not caucasian enough looking (even though I am caucasian). Being in such an isolated area, there is no diversity, one cultural idea exists and that is of the people who toiled in the earth and lived there for generations. There is no idea of expansion or of integration. Life is stagnant, not ever changing. I grew up alone, tried to forge friendships, maybe had 3 dates in high school and not even a date for the senior prom. I didn't belong and still don't.

I observed, I learned and knew who I didn't want to be and that was to live in that existence, that place I called home. I cannot go back to the run down homes, that may or may not have plumbing, yards with multiple rusted out vehicles , a crestfallen sky hidden behind rolling hills, hills much like mountains, and an unhabitable river that is certainly not the pride of such an area. It is a life with unrecognized potential and dreams, hopeless. It can truly suck the life out of oneself. At times, it almost ended mine.

I did get out though, unlike many I know. I was one of the lucky ones because I had to keep telling myself, this isn't forever and there is something better out there. So, I went away to college and on occasion visit, now my visits are once a year, it is all I can really handle. I am not proud of where I came from and at times, I am ashamed of it. When I look at old pictues of those days, I don't even recognize myself because I have transformed and became who I was supposed to be. My Appalachian accent is barely detectable, although I do sometimes fall back into it, my appearance has changed dramatically, I am no longer that backwoods country girl, and I am well educated, not only through academics but have made friends of many different cultural backgrounds.

The point of this post is not to brag, or even to say, that I have become this great person because I still have not reached my greatest potential. The point is, one can move beyond one's circumstances in life and transform oneself. This is not to say, one needs to deny the past but embrace and accept it for what it was, which was a great learning experience.

Will I ever learn?

Will I ever learn? I am so bent on self-destruction. It seems I am powerless against it. Every relationship, friendship, family, I have methodically destroyed beyond repair. I really am no good as a person. I don't know how to be in relationships with people, I don't seem to know anything. Is there any level of normalcy? Why do things have to be so difficult? It feels as I can do nothing right, so I resort to drinking and things progressively get worse. Anytime I try to repair ties with people, it never goes the way I want it to and to be fair, I have not tried too hard with my family. I feel so alone all the time and the only thing I have is my writing. I am so tired of it, so I do dumb things because I feel like nothing. I am no one really. I deserve whatever punishment comes my way.

Maybe this is typical human behavior, maybe there is nothing wrong with me but I know there has to be, because people always leave me. Then again, it is much easier to close people out, rather than let them in. I feel as if I will always be alone and I am sure I deserve nothing less than the place I am presently located.

Love, that elusive other

Love, that elusive other, that some strive to find or run the hell away from it. If one is smart, one avoids at all costs because as wonderful as love can be, it can also be an unending suffering. Love has eluded me for so long, I wonder, what if, am I really missing anything? I don't know but there comes a point one doesn't care because it no longer matters. The longer you live without something, the easier it becomes. or at least that is what I tell myself, at least to get through the day.

Why do we suffer for something that cannot be properly described? Is this feeling really all in our heads or is there something more to it? No doubt, I have felt love, mostly unconditional love toward dogs and cats because that is so much easier. Family is an entirely different matter, I feel no love toward them, that is a long dramatic story, not even totally relevant here but it does partly explain why I am so disillusioned with this fabulous thing we call love. The other reason I am so disillusioned? Well, past experience of course.

Shall I tell you how disillusioned I really am? Well, why not? My first two serious boyfriends dumped me for other girls, meaning that I wasn't the one for them, whatever that means. Neither one of them were very gutsy about it, one told me over the phone and the other refused to speak to me ever again. So, despite this, I trudged on, fell in love again, with someone not available, we were friends but that is all it ever was and he married someone else. I tried again but this time he moved away, without telling me and then came back into my life a year later. I couldn't forgive him. I have tried again and again, I was serious with a few more guys and then one day I just gave up. Of course, I have dated, here and there but nothing has panned out. I just keeping getting burned and burned even more. Anytime, I seem to like someone, well it seems he prefers someone else over me.

I used to think there was something wrong with me, but maybe there really isn't. Maybe I just give too much and no one really gives a rat's ass. I have been told, I am too dependent(far from it actually), not the marrying kind (what is this exactly?), and god knows what else, people think of me. Maybe I am too weird and people can't handle that. I know I intimidate a lot of people, but that is because I am strong minded and know how to handle myself. I absolutely refuse to be intimidated by anyone but love seems to intimidate me. I admit I am fearful of it and scared to try it again, but I am not giving up completely on it. I am flawed and no one is completely flawless. You just have to realize what your limitations are and how many flaws you are willing to accept. I never said I was perfect and maybe that is the great thing about love, it is not perfect. It is as flawed as we are.

So anyway...

I know I promised to be update this blog more and I will in the future. I feel like I kind of am in rut as far as writing. My snark seems gone and my opinions deflated, so anyway, I do have something I want to talk about but I need to formulate my thoughts a bit more before I post anything. In all actuality, I am just posting these few sentences now to remind myself to keep this thing updated! So anyway... that's my thought for the day, make of it what you will.

Thank you & Sorrow

Thank you to all the firemen/women, policemen/women, military personnel and other government agencies that have and continue to protect us all everyday. I neither have your worth, heart or strength to do what you do, so thank you for doing what I cannot.

To all those that lost loved ones in the 9/11 attacks and subsequent wars, I cannot fathom your sorrow. My thoughts and heart are with you on this difficult day.

I can only hope that there will be peace in this world, a little more love, a little less hate, a little more empathy but that may be too much to ask. Much love to everyone reading this today.

No, I didn't forget about you, blog.

I really didn't forget about this blog but either out of general laziness or perhaps, even despair, I have not been on here. Of course, it could just be I haven't been inclined to write either. It is not like I have been terribly busy or anything exciting has happened to me. The most exciting things that happen are usually not the truth. One big change in my life though,is I quit my part-time job at the mortuary. Yes, I quit that place after so long of a time. It was time to go and I feel it was holding me back from other things, like moving forward or maybe that was just an excuse on my part.

Of course, that thought that I wanted to quit had been implanted in my mind for quite some time. Maybe, no I know, what definitely put the plan into place was when I went to New Mexico back in May. I met a random stranger at a bar, I can't recall his name, anyway he was talking about being burned out from his job and was just working part-time while going to school. Maybe I didn't have a true burn out moment but I realized this job was holding me back and I was holding myself back from whatever the future is supposed to be, so I quit. I am little freaked out about budget constraints and the lack of extra money, however it is causing me to think that there are other far more interesting ways to make money and I just have to be creative. Besides, it is just money and now I have the weekends to myself, so there is absolutely no excuse for me not to keep up with this blog. Yes, I will be back soon. I am so done with excuses. Living the life everyday and making the most of whatever it is what I am supposed to be doing. See you soon.

Much Obliged

I am not a deeply religious person, but I don't think one has to be religious in order to appreciate certain aspects of life. Although, I am not always optimistic, sometimes I think it helps to write down things that we appreciate. That said, for today, I am much obliged to the following:

1. Sunshine. Spring is truly on the horizon. Winters are too long, snowy and dreary here. A bit of sunshine always perks me up, even though it may be still a bit chilly.

2. Friends. I wouldn't make it through my life without them. I know I am not always the easiest person to deal with & I can be quite contrary, so I am glad that I have friends that see through my exterior.

3. Living in the US. I may bitch about taxes, the government and other wrongful things but I am happy that I live in a land where people have opportunity and there is not a bleak horizon. We are very fortunate to live in a place, although not perfect, that allows us to live a somewhat peaceful existence.

4. Education. I am fortunate that I have had the opportunity to complete at least one college degree and I am slowly working on another. Although, I feel like giving up on the graduate degree, I know I should finish it because one, I have come this far, & two, I am very lucky that I have had the chance to pursue the second degree. Not everyone has had the educational opportunities that I have been given. I also realize opportunities aren't always given but sometimes they must be earned. Education is a difficult pursuit but we are always learning, aren't we? Even if we don't all pursue higher advanced degrees, educate yourself in other ways, whether through traveling, reading, etc.

So, today I am much obliged for the above, although I should be grateful for everything that I have because I have so much more than other people. Good weather, education, friends, and living in the US, at this point, what more could I ask for? Don't get me wrong, there are days I wish for more, but then I realize,just appreciate what I have. Things may get better or they may get worse & I have no control over that. So for today, I will be optimistic,less envious, and that is all I can ask of myself.