Staying positive

It's really hard to stay positive when things are not exactly going my way but I have to right? I have no choice but to move forth and forget what was said. I don't think people realize what they say sometimes can be so hurtful. I am sure I say things too that are not always nice but I try to be mindful of what I say and I admit when I make mistakes. It is unfortunate that in my world things do not always work out that way. For whatever reason, people think it's ok to be overly critical of me and instead of making it sound remotely positive, it just comes out totally negative. I don't go around openly criticizing people, I may think things but rarely do I ever say them to the person. I guess I don't take criticism or rejection very well. I am not thick skinned at all and this is one of many reasons I don't have close friends because I hate being hurt. I realize no one is perfect and I am far from it myself but I wish people were a little mindful of what they say that's all. I know I shouldn't take things personally but it's part of who I am and that's a hard thing to change. So now that I have vented, on to a more positive happy day right?

Alone

From a young age, I was taught responsibility and diligence, an adult before my time. Never once in my young life did I ever feel like anyone had "my back", individuality and encouragement were foreign words in my vocabulary. Duty, chores, be like your sister, but never be me.There are times I still feel like this, that I can count on no one and that I must go forth in this world alone. I know absolutely the only person I can count on is me. There are few people I trust and I will never allow myself to depend on anyone fully because from a young age I learned, I can depend on no one. Some of my darkest moments have been spent crying alone in a black room and I got through it alone. Did I ever want to give up(yes)? Did I have anyone to call(no)? I depended on myself only and picked myself up and moved on. I was alone and I still am alone, some may say by choice but I say I was born alone. I don't label myself a survivor, martyr or whatever other labels one may come up with, but realize it is just the way things are. Maybe someday I will give up, but for now I go into this world alone, as I came into it and I will leave it.

Be nice

There's a scene in the cinematic masterpiece Roadhouse, where Patrick Swayze's character tells his bouncer crew to "Be nice", until I say otherwise (I am paraphrasing the latter part but the "Be Nice" is there). It's hard to be nice, I much rather be a complete bitch because I guess it's natural for me to be that way (I learned this from my mother). I have learned that I don't always get my way when I am bitch, so I try hard to be nice.

As much as I try to be nice, it doesn't always work because if you are too nice, people take advantage of you. I don't want to be taken advantage of, so that's when my inner bitch comes out. People really have no idea how much I hold myself back and how hard it really is for me to be nice. I have to constantly remind myself to "be nice" instead of saying what I really want to say. Of course there are times, I can't refrain from saying what I want. I guess I am putting this here as a reminder to myself that I need to "be nice" more often and the hell with anyone who doesn't return the favor because that person who isn't nice to me, is not worth me calling him/her a douchebag or whatever terminology I come up with that day. So Ms. Vodka, "be nice".

Clarity

For the first time in a while, I have clarity, yay or scary??!! I know what I want & what I thought I wanted isn't what I wanted at all. I am a wanderlust and envy those that have traveled where I have not. This does not mean I will pack up and move to London (well yet). There are those that are content with what they have and there are those that want more. I don't want a lot of things out of my life but I do want to LOVE it & I don't feel I love my life as much as I should. Yes, I am ok with it but I feel there is something better out there, whatever that may be.

I feel as my life is progressing where I want it to be, yet it is a little scary to implement the changes that I desire. The important thing is I have realized I know what I don't want in my life and that is to be held back. The only thing seeming to hold me back is MYSELF, not anyone else but ME. So what does this mean? This means I have to believe in myself, something which is hard for me to do but by writing it down, it makes it a little more real?

I will leave you with a few lines from Robert Frost's The Road Not Taken:

Two roads diverged in a wood, and I-
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.



Clarity is a beautiful thing. May you find the journey you are looking for.

Issues

We all have issues, some more than others, but whatever issues you have, please don't take them out on me. I don't deserve to be treated in such a manner, nor do you have the right to assume what I want, so get over yourself real soon, as soon as you do, we will all be happier for it. The end. Love and peace.

How to be extraordinary

I don't have an answer on how to be extraordinary. By all appearances, I am as average as they come. My clothes are the ordinary things you buy from Kohl's, Target or Eddie Bauer, nothing fancy about them ( no loud prints, nothing froufrou). My looks are bland and generic. I can't tell you how many times people say, "oh you look so much like my friend" and etc. (No I don't look like your friend, I may remind you of someone but no way do I look exactly like someone). I don't think being extraordinary has to have anything to do with your appearance truthfully. I have known people who by all appearances didn't follow the social norm but underneath they were "normal" or at times even shallow.

So what does it take to become extraordinary? Perhaps it comes from your character or how you carry yourself? There are many things I do that follow the social norm; however there are times I do things that don't follow the rules. I see myself as an ordinary person, who sometimes has "out of the box" ideas but I have never seen myself as unique, perhaps because I am reluctant to put such a label on myself. If I label myself as extraordinary or unique, does that lessen the impact somehow? In a way it does because I have seen people refer to themselves as "unique" and I think why would you say that about yourself because in some way aren't we all unique? I prefer to think that we are extraordinary in our own way and no one gains anything by trying to prove how "unique" he/she really is. If you feel the need to prove something then you should only prove it to yourself, not to others. Be who you are without the label.

Continuance and Spinsterhood

This post is a continuance of my prior one on Agnes Grey, not so much on the book itself but on marriage. I am a 36 year old single woman, never married with no serious prospects(that's funny to say), no children, just myself to depend on and back in the day I would have been a spinster (and by some folks I probably still am). Does it bother me that I am not married? That's an interesting question because in my 20's I wanted to be married but it never happened for whatever reason, so now that I have been on my own for so long, do I feel that I should get married(at some point)?

Fortunately, in most (but not all) societies women do have a choice whether to get married or not. In my situation, I do not feel like I should get married; however I think it is something I would like perhaps one day (and no I would never have a traditional wedding). As much as I proclaim my independence, I don't like to be alone all the time, just sometimes (I think it's perfectly healthy for couples to have separate time away from one another)and I think most humans do crave companionship in some capacity, whether it is genetics or just our society, I think everyone wants to belong with someone.

When I was in my 20's, I was just starting to figure out life and had no clue what I wanted. In some ways, I am still clueless but I do know what I don't want and that is just to get married just because I am older and I should. I don't want to fall into that trapped way of thinking. People have told me I am not the marrying kind or that I am too set in my ways and I can't disagree with these statements but what people think may not come true either. Some people even assumed I'm gay, which is not true either, I like men way too much. I am sure people make other assumptions about unmarried women and men in their 30's but fortunately in our society it has become much more common for people to stay unmarried longer. From the time I was a child, it was expected that one would get married and have children, but times change and our society evolves. Don't get married because you feel like you should, get married for the right reasons, whatever they may be. If it's something you truly want, then go for it but if it's an option, then what's the point?