Will I ever learn? I am so bent on self-destruction. It seems I am powerless against it. Every relationship, friendship, family, I have methodically destroyed beyond repair. I really am no good as a person. I don't know how to be in relationships with people, I don't seem to know anything. Is there any level of normalcy? Why do things have to be so difficult? It feels as I can do nothing right, so I resort to drinking and things progressively get worse. Anytime I try to repair ties with people, it never goes the way I want it to and to be fair, I have not tried too hard with my family. I feel so alone all the time and the only thing I have is my writing. I am so tired of it, so I do dumb things because I feel like nothing. I am no one really. I deserve whatever punishment comes my way.
Maybe this is typical human behavior, maybe there is nothing wrong with me but I know there has to be, because people always leave me. Then again, it is much easier to close people out, rather than let them in. I feel as if I will always be alone and I am sure I deserve nothing less than the place I am presently located.
Sunday, October 16, 2011
Sunday, October 9, 2011
Love, that elusive other
Love, that elusive other, that some strive to find or run the hell away from it. If one is smart, one avoids at all costs because as wonderful as love can be, it can also be an unending suffering. Love has eluded me for so long, I wonder, what if, am I really missing anything? I don't know but there comes a point one doesn't care because it no longer matters. The longer you live without something, the easier it becomes. or at least that is what I tell myself, at least to get through the day.
Why do we suffer for something that cannot be properly described? Is this feeling really all in our heads or is there something more to it? No doubt, I have felt love, mostly unconditional love toward dogs and cats because that is so much easier. Family is an entirely different matter, I feel no love toward them, that is a long dramatic story, not even totally relevant here but it does partly explain why I am so disillusioned with this fabulous thing we call love. The other reason I am so disillusioned? Well, past experience of course.
Shall I tell you how disillusioned I really am? Well, why not? My first two serious boyfriends dumped me for other girls, meaning that I wasn't the one for them, whatever that means. Neither one of them were very gutsy about it, one told me over the phone and the other refused to speak to me ever again. So, despite this, I trudged on, fell in love again, with someone not available, we were friends but that is all it ever was and he married someone else. I tried again but this time he moved away, without telling me and then came back into my life a year later. I couldn't forgive him. I have tried again and again, I was serious with a few more guys and then one day I just gave up. Of course, I have dated, here and there but nothing has panned out. I just keeping getting burned and burned even more. Anytime, I seem to like someone, well it seems he prefers someone else over me.
I used to think there was something wrong with me, but maybe there really isn't. Maybe I just give too much and no one really gives a rat's ass. I have been told, I am too dependent(far from it actually), not the marrying kind (what is this exactly?), and god knows what else, people think of me. Maybe I am too weird and people can't handle that. I know I intimidate a lot of people, but that is because I am strong minded and know how to handle myself. I absolutely refuse to be intimidated by anyone but love seems to intimidate me. I admit I am fearful of it and scared to try it again, but I am not giving up completely on it. I am flawed and no one is completely flawless. You just have to realize what your limitations are and how many flaws you are willing to accept. I never said I was perfect and maybe that is the great thing about love, it is not perfect. It is as flawed as we are.
Why do we suffer for something that cannot be properly described? Is this feeling really all in our heads or is there something more to it? No doubt, I have felt love, mostly unconditional love toward dogs and cats because that is so much easier. Family is an entirely different matter, I feel no love toward them, that is a long dramatic story, not even totally relevant here but it does partly explain why I am so disillusioned with this fabulous thing we call love. The other reason I am so disillusioned? Well, past experience of course.
Shall I tell you how disillusioned I really am? Well, why not? My first two serious boyfriends dumped me for other girls, meaning that I wasn't the one for them, whatever that means. Neither one of them were very gutsy about it, one told me over the phone and the other refused to speak to me ever again. So, despite this, I trudged on, fell in love again, with someone not available, we were friends but that is all it ever was and he married someone else. I tried again but this time he moved away, without telling me and then came back into my life a year later. I couldn't forgive him. I have tried again and again, I was serious with a few more guys and then one day I just gave up. Of course, I have dated, here and there but nothing has panned out. I just keeping getting burned and burned even more. Anytime, I seem to like someone, well it seems he prefers someone else over me.
I used to think there was something wrong with me, but maybe there really isn't. Maybe I just give too much and no one really gives a rat's ass. I have been told, I am too dependent(far from it actually), not the marrying kind (what is this exactly?), and god knows what else, people think of me. Maybe I am too weird and people can't handle that. I know I intimidate a lot of people, but that is because I am strong minded and know how to handle myself. I absolutely refuse to be intimidated by anyone but love seems to intimidate me. I admit I am fearful of it and scared to try it again, but I am not giving up completely on it. I am flawed and no one is completely flawless. You just have to realize what your limitations are and how many flaws you are willing to accept. I never said I was perfect and maybe that is the great thing about love, it is not perfect. It is as flawed as we are.
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