What was I thinking?

Someone once told me I have no filter, meaning that I just say whatever comes out of my mouth. I can't disagree with this. I guess this stems from childhood where I felt I couldn't say what I thought without being judged. Rather than discussions being held, I was told this is the way things are without understanding why they are that way. I am sure there other reasons I am so blunt, however I guess it's not relevant. Sometimes I need to learn to put the filter on and realize I don't always have to say what I am thinking or feeling for that matter.

Then again, my bluntness and communication style are part of who I am. Why should I change for anyone, especially if others see me socially inept (People can be so judgmental, why should I care what they think)? Is there a happy medium I can reach? or should I just stay the same? Perhaps I should attempt to become more socially acceptable but then again why should I pretend to be something I am not?

Tomorrow

Tomorrow, is the beginning of the end. It is Fall Semester 2010, possibly my last official college class, and the beginning of my thesis. I told myself, since I wasn't taking summer classes, I would work on my thesis but that didn't happen. I know the subject matter, in fact just changed my mind a few weeks ago & this time, it feels like the right decision. I don't know what's going to happen if I graduate, where I am going to end up but hopefully I won't be staying at CSU. For now, I have to concentrate on getting through this semester & a long road ahead to my final thesis, 35 pages of hell.

Transitions

No this is not a review on those special lenses nor a literature lecture but this is about life transitions and how certain individuals configure into one's life. As usual, you may be asking yourself what in the heck is she talking about now? Patience, I will explain.

Have you ever felt like in your life that you are a transitional piece and there is no permanency in your life? That your life is constantly in limbo and ever changing? That stability is lost to you? I have been both fortunate and unfortunate to experience these transitions. I call them transitions because people and experiences are constantly changing around me. I don't consider them losses because I have chosen to gain something from them, something at the time that may not be seen as a gain.

I consider myself a "transitional piece", if you will, because it is my belief that there is nothing permanent in this life. Every past relationship(family,friendships, ex-beaus) I have had, has proven this. I will not pretend that I am close to my family because I am not. We are different people and even though I was close to my sister when we were young, we have grown way apart. It took me a long time to realize my family was only there to watch me grow up and that is all. Friendships come & go, although mostly a loner, I have had some close friends but we have evolved and moved on, lost touch, so forth. The ex-beaus, what can I say? As far as I know, I was only a transition to their next relationship, a small part of their lives, forgotten and lost.

Has this been a choice on my part or is just fate? I have little faith in fate, so maybe it is just the way life is and we are constantly transitioning in and out of each others lives. And I shouldn't take it so personally, when someone just disappears out of my life permanently.

Eating Plan

Around the middle/end of July, I started a new eating plan. I don't consider this a DIET! I consider this a LIFE plan, so to speak, meaning this is the way I want to eat for the rest of my life (or at least close to it). Anyway, I started out following the South Beach plan because even though it is initially restrictive, it does allow you to incorporate certain foods back into the plan.

At first, I ate way too much protein, which I am not used to doing (and believe me this was not a good thing). I have since adjusted the amount of protein I eat, incorporated more vegetables (except carrots/potatoes, I don't care much for potatoes anyway), added some whole grains (nothing white flour, no pastries, etc), and occasionally fruit(no bananas/pineapple). I haven't been eating that much fruit, only because it was eliminated at the beginning but I do need to add some more back into my plan. I haven't followed the plan as closely as I should but I feel if I stick with original principles I should be ok (I really just wanted some guidelines to begin with).

How am I doing? Well, at first I was frustrated because I expected "immediate" results and who doesn't want results right away?! However, recently people have told me my face looks thinner & my clothes seem a little looser, so I must be doing something right. I haven't weighed myself, so I can't say how much weight I have lost(I don't own a scale). However, I do know I need to amp up my exercise routine (I have been taking short walks at lunch) but I need to commit myself to 3 days a week of cardio, which I will do through DVDs I already own but rarely use. Personally, I love TurboJam, which is a mix of Kickboxing/Dance. It doesn't feel like working out & it's fun, plus the instructor isn't overly annoying, which is a bonus in my book. I actually do feel a lot better as well, more euphoric and my energy level seems higher.

Why am I doing this? Well, the number one motivator for me is of course I want to lose weight and for once, I am determined to do this. When I was younger, I struggled with a completely different problem, I used to practically starve myself in high school to be thin. I think this stemmed from seeing an overweight mother, who was so unhappy and very poor self-esteem on my part. Food consumption was something I could control. Up until I was in my mid-twenties, I was always thin, at times almost too thin. Then life happened, I went through some very difficult times, and just kept gaining weight. I became too comfortable with this unhealthy person I am. Instead of being in control, I became out of control.

What will the end result be? Hopefully, I can be a much healthier person than I am right now. I feel like I am on the right path and I look forward to the results. I can't say it will be easy but I can't back down now, can I?

The present

All things must progress to an end, whether we them to or not. Live in the moment, not in the past or the future, but live only as if the present exists. There is no tomorrow, unless we live today.

Exceeding my expectations

I try to not have high expectations of people, one people tend to disappoint because what else they are people? They have their own lives and ideas, viewpoints, etc but sometimes someone comes along that exceeds those expectations and it gives me pause to think, is this person for real? I also don't think I deserve to have my expectations met because of things from the past and also I am so used to being disappointed. I used to think there was something wrong with me but I have come to realize I am not the one with the problem and if I quit having expectations perhaps I won't be disappointed. Maybe this is faulty logic, then again maybe not but one thing I can say for certain is there is at least one person that far exceeded who I thought he was. Impressive indeed. and there is hope for humanity yet.