Tuesday, November 2, 2010
It's ok to dislike people
I have come to the conclusion that it's ok to dislike people. It really is. Don't ever feel bad that you don't like someone. There are some things and characteristics that are just plain unforgivable. Someone wrongs you and treats you like dirt? It's ok to dislike that person. Someone run over your cat? It's ok to dislike that person. Someone treats you in a condescending manner & yells at you? It's ok to dislike that person. Someone stole $20 from your wallet? It's ok to dislike that person. Some guy or girl slept with you and never called back? It's ok to dislike him or her. You don't even have to have a reason to dislike someone. Sometimes people just rub you the wrong way and it happens. I am not the type of person that can hide my disregard for someone and I won't feel bad because I don't like someone. I am also not always the most forgiving person, so even though I may care about someone and that person wrongs me, it doesn't mean I like that person very much after the fact. I am not saying you should hate everyone or let hate live in your heart but realize it is ok to dislike people. So if I dislike you, don't take it personally, because I am sure you don't care all that much anyway.
Saturday, October 30, 2010
Thank you Beth
Thank you Beth for saying, "There's nothing wrong with you Krista". It was rather sweet of you to try to make me feel better and it did briefly help. I may have believed you for two minutes; but I still think there's something wrong with me. I guess I wouldn't be human if I thought I was perfect. So Beth, I appreciate you trying to cheer me up. Your kindness did not go unnoticed.
Saturday, October 16, 2010
Suicide & the dead girl
Yeah, I know another morbid post but there's a reason for this I promise. At my work recently there have been a few suicides and a woman was also found in our park system, who had committed suicide. It's ironic that if I ever choose to end my life, I thought I would do it the same way this woman did but I would be more desolate about it, alone in death like in life (yes I truly do have somewhat of a plan if it ever comes to that).
I can't pretend to know what a person that committed suicide has went through because I don't know. Everyone's experience is individual. I don't know what every suicidal person feels and maybe no one will ever understand completely; however I can tell you what a person feels like when she is on the brink of suicide along with a failed attempt & some half-assed attempts. Yep, I had a failed suicide attempt. I won't go into the details of what happened but I was young & it made me very ill, so instead of dying, I got sick. Guess I am not very good at that sort of thing.
The teenage years, 18 and even into the early twenties are such fragile ages. No one ever tells you how hard life is. I remember Buffy (from Buffy the Vampire Slayer) telling her sister as Buffy goes off to save the world, "The hardest thing to do in this world is live in it." Deciding to live in this world is a hard thing but deciding to die is no easy task either.
Committing suicide takes guts. Sorry if people that have lost someone to suicide find this offensive. I am no way admiring (or advocating either) someone for taking his/her own life but saying it takes a lot of determination and sheer will to pull the trigger, put one's neck in the noose, drive the car off the cliff, or whatever method is chosen, that takes guts. It's not a choice to be taken lightly. It's final and dying isn't always so easy either, much like living.
I've been put down, laughed at, made fun of, made to feel like the most worthless person ever, heartbroken, unloved, stomped on, ostracized by my father, verbally assaulted by my mother, called more worthless names than I can count. At times it felt like the pain was infinite and would never go away. An ex once told me, the pain was in my head, well M. you are an asshole and fuck you. Yet, somehow I went on living, at least pretended like I was living. I went through the motions that everything was fine, even though I felt like a living dead girl, alive on the outside, dead on the inside. Pretending to be "alive" and happy is no easy task. There were even times I felt like I had nothing to lose, which can be dangerous indeed. I've been reckless, despondent, thought many times "this is it, I can't take it anymore" but I kept going for whatever reason. Maybe I thought things would get better or maybe I just stopped caring or maybe I just realized there are too many assholes in this world and some people need to be told to fuck off. Maybe I haven't reached my true breaking point yet. Maybe all my previous attempts were really not really attempts and I knew that life meant much more than dying.
No one can live for you and you can't live for anyone. If you want to stay alive, it has to be your choice. Maybe one day, I will feel like I have nothing to lose and I will succeed in an attempt. Truly I really don't know but I do know this, I am alive for today and that is what matters. I guess I am more resilient than I give myself credit for. And to all the people who have treated me like I was worthless and tried to break me, well Fuck You. Oh, and to all the people that I cared about but never gave a rat's ass about me in return, Fuck You too. Yeah, I said Fuck You.
I can't pretend to know what a person that committed suicide has went through because I don't know. Everyone's experience is individual. I don't know what every suicidal person feels and maybe no one will ever understand completely; however I can tell you what a person feels like when she is on the brink of suicide along with a failed attempt & some half-assed attempts. Yep, I had a failed suicide attempt. I won't go into the details of what happened but I was young & it made me very ill, so instead of dying, I got sick. Guess I am not very good at that sort of thing.
The teenage years, 18 and even into the early twenties are such fragile ages. No one ever tells you how hard life is. I remember Buffy (from Buffy the Vampire Slayer) telling her sister as Buffy goes off to save the world, "The hardest thing to do in this world is live in it." Deciding to live in this world is a hard thing but deciding to die is no easy task either.
Committing suicide takes guts. Sorry if people that have lost someone to suicide find this offensive. I am no way admiring (or advocating either) someone for taking his/her own life but saying it takes a lot of determination and sheer will to pull the trigger, put one's neck in the noose, drive the car off the cliff, or whatever method is chosen, that takes guts. It's not a choice to be taken lightly. It's final and dying isn't always so easy either, much like living.
I've been put down, laughed at, made fun of, made to feel like the most worthless person ever, heartbroken, unloved, stomped on, ostracized by my father, verbally assaulted by my mother, called more worthless names than I can count. At times it felt like the pain was infinite and would never go away. An ex once told me, the pain was in my head, well M. you are an asshole and fuck you. Yet, somehow I went on living, at least pretended like I was living. I went through the motions that everything was fine, even though I felt like a living dead girl, alive on the outside, dead on the inside. Pretending to be "alive" and happy is no easy task. There were even times I felt like I had nothing to lose, which can be dangerous indeed. I've been reckless, despondent, thought many times "this is it, I can't take it anymore" but I kept going for whatever reason. Maybe I thought things would get better or maybe I just stopped caring or maybe I just realized there are too many assholes in this world and some people need to be told to fuck off. Maybe I haven't reached my true breaking point yet. Maybe all my previous attempts were really not really attempts and I knew that life meant much more than dying.
No one can live for you and you can't live for anyone. If you want to stay alive, it has to be your choice. Maybe one day, I will feel like I have nothing to lose and I will succeed in an attempt. Truly I really don't know but I do know this, I am alive for today and that is what matters. I guess I am more resilient than I give myself credit for. And to all the people who have treated me like I was worthless and tried to break me, well Fuck You. Oh, and to all the people that I cared about but never gave a rat's ass about me in return, Fuck You too. Yeah, I said Fuck You.
Friday, October 15, 2010
Death
I know I talk about death a lot but I am surrounded by it, so I guess I can't help to think about it. Anyway, whenever I used to see a more worthy person than myself that died or a younger person that passed, I thought, why couldn't that have been me? My life is worth nothing, so why not give up my life for someone else's? Sometimes I still think that, like today. No one would really care if I died, so why not take me rather than someone else who has something to live for? It's a morbid concept but I am ok with it, as anyone should be.
Thursday, October 7, 2010
Oh, is that a smile I see?
Really not in the mood to write today, still down with this little cold I have; however I feel that I should write something since it's been a few days since I posted.
It took me forever to realize this but sometimes my own happiness is not the most important thing. What I mean by this is, I think I feel better when I make other people laugh and happy, which in turn makes me happy. Maybe for some of you this is not a new concept but for me it is, mainly because I grew up in a household where anger & unhappiness lived. It is only when I surrounded myself with more positive people & influences that I found being happy is much better than being angry or depressed all the time. Attitude is everything and my own happiness only comes from how I perceive the world to be and how I can make others around me happy. I know there are lost causes out there, people I will never be able to make happy but I can't worry about them. I know I tend to be snarky, bitchy, cranky, etc sometimes but I like to think that does not encompass my whole being nor does it make me an unhappy person. I wear many faces, just wait 15 minutes and another one will appear.
All I ever wanted in my life was to be happy but it's funny because that's when I was at my lowest point. No one can make you happy, you have to do it yourself. Look at the people around you, who are your true friends and true family? (sorry I don't believe blood automatically makes you "family", just my opinion). The people you let into your life, are the people that are a part of your personal well being. I always say I am my best when I am alone but that's not always true because there are some things you can't do alone. In fact, sometimes being alone is the worst thing I can do for myself. The point of all this? Surround yourself with people who make you happy and who love you as you are. It's really that simple, rid yourself of the negative influences and make it a point to make others laugh, you in turn will find yourself a much happier person.
It took me forever to realize this but sometimes my own happiness is not the most important thing. What I mean by this is, I think I feel better when I make other people laugh and happy, which in turn makes me happy. Maybe for some of you this is not a new concept but for me it is, mainly because I grew up in a household where anger & unhappiness lived. It is only when I surrounded myself with more positive people & influences that I found being happy is much better than being angry or depressed all the time. Attitude is everything and my own happiness only comes from how I perceive the world to be and how I can make others around me happy. I know there are lost causes out there, people I will never be able to make happy but I can't worry about them. I know I tend to be snarky, bitchy, cranky, etc sometimes but I like to think that does not encompass my whole being nor does it make me an unhappy person. I wear many faces, just wait 15 minutes and another one will appear.
All I ever wanted in my life was to be happy but it's funny because that's when I was at my lowest point. No one can make you happy, you have to do it yourself. Look at the people around you, who are your true friends and true family? (sorry I don't believe blood automatically makes you "family", just my opinion). The people you let into your life, are the people that are a part of your personal well being. I always say I am my best when I am alone but that's not always true because there are some things you can't do alone. In fact, sometimes being alone is the worst thing I can do for myself. The point of all this? Surround yourself with people who make you happy and who love you as you are. It's really that simple, rid yourself of the negative influences and make it a point to make others laugh, you in turn will find yourself a much happier person.
Sunday, October 3, 2010
Not a supermodel
Beginnings are always the hardest because the beginning has to be the best in order to hold the reader's attention. Maybe this story won't be that fascinating or unique but I count it as an odd happening in my life. We all have those odd moments, where we say to ourselves, "Did that really just happen?" or "What was that?" or "I don't get it." The latter one is totally me, most of the time. There are things I just don't get it and what I find odd, someone takes a whole different view on it.
Several years ago, when I was younger and more attractive looking, I stopped at the grocery store on my way home from work. It was a chilly, spring evening and I wore my camel colored winter coat. As I entered the store, I grabbed a carry basket rather than a grocery cart because I hate pushing grocery carts. I find it annoying to be maneuvering a cranky object around aisles and other people. I noticed a man in his 40's with dark rimmed glasses, black hair, rather ordinary looking picking out flowers.
I am not one of these people that meanders around grocery stores for long periods of time. I grabbed the usual carrots,broccoli and chicken and entered the express check out line. I noticed the same gentleman I saw as I had entered the store, in another line. I paid for my purchases and left the store. As I was putting my bags in the trunk of my car, the dark haired man was waiting in his black Saab and drove over by my car. I thought, "should I run away?" but I stayed by the trunk of my car to see what he would do. He got out of his vehicle and proceeded to give me the flowers. I was bewildered but took them, then I asked him, "Why are you giving these to me?". He responded and shrugged, "It was a promise I made to someone long ago." I was still puzzled but managed to say, "Thank you." He drove away and I never saw him again.
I can't recall if I kept the flowers or not but the whole incident baffled me. The next day at work, I told a few co-workers what happened. One colleague, who I will call T. for privacy, said, "That is something that only happens to supermodels." Ok, I know I am not a supermodel nor have I ever professed to anyone that I think I am stunning because I know I am not. I guess to some people this story may come across as bragging but that was never my intent. I just thought the whole thing was strange and I still wonder what this guy meant by, "It was a promise I made to someone long ago." It makes me sad to think there's this lonely guy fulfilling some long ago promise. Maybe he lost someone or he feels like he has to make up for his misdeeds. I really don't know but I do hope he has found happiness or whatever he was looking to achieve.
Supermodels aren't the only ones that deserve flowers and this guy wasn't looking for a supermodel. It was just a chance that two ordinary people crossed paths at the same time. That's all it was. This guy had his reasons for giving me flowers, whatever they may be and they are his own. and yes T. I know I am no supermodel. I promise this incident didn't go to my head.
Several years ago, when I was younger and more attractive looking, I stopped at the grocery store on my way home from work. It was a chilly, spring evening and I wore my camel colored winter coat. As I entered the store, I grabbed a carry basket rather than a grocery cart because I hate pushing grocery carts. I find it annoying to be maneuvering a cranky object around aisles and other people. I noticed a man in his 40's with dark rimmed glasses, black hair, rather ordinary looking picking out flowers.
I am not one of these people that meanders around grocery stores for long periods of time. I grabbed the usual carrots,broccoli and chicken and entered the express check out line. I noticed the same gentleman I saw as I had entered the store, in another line. I paid for my purchases and left the store. As I was putting my bags in the trunk of my car, the dark haired man was waiting in his black Saab and drove over by my car. I thought, "should I run away?" but I stayed by the trunk of my car to see what he would do. He got out of his vehicle and proceeded to give me the flowers. I was bewildered but took them, then I asked him, "Why are you giving these to me?". He responded and shrugged, "It was a promise I made to someone long ago." I was still puzzled but managed to say, "Thank you." He drove away and I never saw him again.
I can't recall if I kept the flowers or not but the whole incident baffled me. The next day at work, I told a few co-workers what happened. One colleague, who I will call T. for privacy, said, "That is something that only happens to supermodels." Ok, I know I am not a supermodel nor have I ever professed to anyone that I think I am stunning because I know I am not. I guess to some people this story may come across as bragging but that was never my intent. I just thought the whole thing was strange and I still wonder what this guy meant by, "It was a promise I made to someone long ago." It makes me sad to think there's this lonely guy fulfilling some long ago promise. Maybe he lost someone or he feels like he has to make up for his misdeeds. I really don't know but I do hope he has found happiness or whatever he was looking to achieve.
Supermodels aren't the only ones that deserve flowers and this guy wasn't looking for a supermodel. It was just a chance that two ordinary people crossed paths at the same time. That's all it was. This guy had his reasons for giving me flowers, whatever they may be and they are his own. and yes T. I know I am no supermodel. I promise this incident didn't go to my head.
Friday, October 1, 2010
The Best Relationship I ever had (Thus Far)
Absolut Vodka. Never left me, never will but my heart belongs to Bud Light as well. Long lasting but complicated. Everything's complicated isn't it and aren't all relationships complicated? but they don't have to be. I love you both but I am afraid I have been neglecting you. Time to reacquaint myself with your pleasures. Maybe not at the same time but we will have time together. Soon. I hope at least. Me, Absolut & Bud Light, a menage a trois on a dark, cold night. Then you will leave but you always come back. What a romance we have. Like most romances it is complicated but this will last. I promise you. Absolut & Bud Light you are mine forever. Love you always.
Tuesday, September 28, 2010
Staying positive
It's really hard to stay positive when things are not exactly going my way but I have to right? I have no choice but to move forth and forget what was said. I don't think people realize what they say sometimes can be so hurtful. I am sure I say things too that are not always nice but I try to be mindful of what I say and I admit when I make mistakes. It is unfortunate that in my world things do not always work out that way. For whatever reason, people think it's ok to be overly critical of me and instead of making it sound remotely positive, it just comes out totally negative. I don't go around openly criticizing people, I may think things but rarely do I ever say them to the person. I guess I don't take criticism or rejection very well. I am not thick skinned at all and this is one of many reasons I don't have close friends because I hate being hurt. I realize no one is perfect and I am far from it myself but I wish people were a little mindful of what they say that's all. I know I shouldn't take things personally but it's part of who I am and that's a hard thing to change. So now that I have vented, on to a more positive happy day right?
Monday, September 27, 2010
Alone
From a young age, I was taught responsibility and diligence, an adult before my time. Never once in my young life did I ever feel like anyone had "my back", individuality and encouragement were foreign words in my vocabulary. Duty, chores, be like your sister, but never be me.There are times I still feel like this, that I can count on no one and that I must go forth in this world alone. I know absolutely the only person I can count on is me. There are few people I trust and I will never allow myself to depend on anyone fully because from a young age I learned, I can depend on no one. Some of my darkest moments have been spent crying alone in a black room and I got through it alone. Did I ever want to give up(yes)? Did I have anyone to call(no)? I depended on myself only and picked myself up and moved on. I was alone and I still am alone, some may say by choice but I say I was born alone. I don't label myself a survivor, martyr or whatever other labels one may come up with, but realize it is just the way things are. Maybe someday I will give up, but for now I go into this world alone, as I came into it and I will leave it.
Saturday, September 18, 2010
Be nice
There's a scene in the cinematic masterpiece Roadhouse, where Patrick Swayze's character tells his bouncer crew to "Be nice", until I say otherwise (I am paraphrasing the latter part but the "Be Nice" is there). It's hard to be nice, I much rather be a complete bitch because I guess it's natural for me to be that way (I learned this from my mother). I have learned that I don't always get my way when I am bitch, so I try hard to be nice.
As much as I try to be nice, it doesn't always work because if you are too nice, people take advantage of you. I don't want to be taken advantage of, so that's when my inner bitch comes out. People really have no idea how much I hold myself back and how hard it really is for me to be nice. I have to constantly remind myself to "be nice" instead of saying what I really want to say. Of course there are times, I can't refrain from saying what I want. I guess I am putting this here as a reminder to myself that I need to "be nice" more often and the hell with anyone who doesn't return the favor because that person who isn't nice to me, is not worth me calling him/her a douchebag or whatever terminology I come up with that day. So Ms. Vodka, "be nice".
As much as I try to be nice, it doesn't always work because if you are too nice, people take advantage of you. I don't want to be taken advantage of, so that's when my inner bitch comes out. People really have no idea how much I hold myself back and how hard it really is for me to be nice. I have to constantly remind myself to "be nice" instead of saying what I really want to say. Of course there are times, I can't refrain from saying what I want. I guess I am putting this here as a reminder to myself that I need to "be nice" more often and the hell with anyone who doesn't return the favor because that person who isn't nice to me, is not worth me calling him/her a douchebag or whatever terminology I come up with that day. So Ms. Vodka, "be nice".
Wednesday, September 15, 2010
Clarity
For the first time in a while, I have clarity, yay or scary??!! I know what I want & what I thought I wanted isn't what I wanted at all. I am a wanderlust and envy those that have traveled where I have not. This does not mean I will pack up and move to London (well yet). There are those that are content with what they have and there are those that want more. I don't want a lot of things out of my life but I do want to LOVE it & I don't feel I love my life as much as I should. Yes, I am ok with it but I feel there is something better out there, whatever that may be.
I feel as my life is progressing where I want it to be, yet it is a little scary to implement the changes that I desire. The important thing is I have realized I know what I don't want in my life and that is to be held back. The only thing seeming to hold me back is MYSELF, not anyone else but ME. So what does this mean? This means I have to believe in myself, something which is hard for me to do but by writing it down, it makes it a little more real?
I will leave you with a few lines from Robert Frost's The Road Not Taken:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I-
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.
Clarity is a beautiful thing. May you find the journey you are looking for.
I feel as my life is progressing where I want it to be, yet it is a little scary to implement the changes that I desire. The important thing is I have realized I know what I don't want in my life and that is to be held back. The only thing seeming to hold me back is MYSELF, not anyone else but ME. So what does this mean? This means I have to believe in myself, something which is hard for me to do but by writing it down, it makes it a little more real?
I will leave you with a few lines from Robert Frost's The Road Not Taken:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I-
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.
Clarity is a beautiful thing. May you find the journey you are looking for.
Tuesday, September 14, 2010
Issues
We all have issues, some more than others, but whatever issues you have, please don't take them out on me. I don't deserve to be treated in such a manner, nor do you have the right to assume what I want, so get over yourself real soon, as soon as you do, we will all be happier for it. The end. Love and peace.
Monday, September 13, 2010
How to be extraordinary
I don't have an answer on how to be extraordinary. By all appearances, I am as average as they come. My clothes are the ordinary things you buy from Kohl's, Target or Eddie Bauer, nothing fancy about them ( no loud prints, nothing froufrou). My looks are bland and generic. I can't tell you how many times people say, "oh you look so much like my friend" and etc. (No I don't look like your friend, I may remind you of someone but no way do I look exactly like someone). I don't think being extraordinary has to have anything to do with your appearance truthfully. I have known people who by all appearances didn't follow the social norm but underneath they were "normal" or at times even shallow.
So what does it take to become extraordinary? Perhaps it comes from your character or how you carry yourself? There are many things I do that follow the social norm; however there are times I do things that don't follow the rules. I see myself as an ordinary person, who sometimes has "out of the box" ideas but I have never seen myself as unique, perhaps because I am reluctant to put such a label on myself. If I label myself as extraordinary or unique, does that lessen the impact somehow? In a way it does because I have seen people refer to themselves as "unique" and I think why would you say that about yourself because in some way aren't we all unique? I prefer to think that we are extraordinary in our own way and no one gains anything by trying to prove how "unique" he/she really is. If you feel the need to prove something then you should only prove it to yourself, not to others. Be who you are without the label.
So what does it take to become extraordinary? Perhaps it comes from your character or how you carry yourself? There are many things I do that follow the social norm; however there are times I do things that don't follow the rules. I see myself as an ordinary person, who sometimes has "out of the box" ideas but I have never seen myself as unique, perhaps because I am reluctant to put such a label on myself. If I label myself as extraordinary or unique, does that lessen the impact somehow? In a way it does because I have seen people refer to themselves as "unique" and I think why would you say that about yourself because in some way aren't we all unique? I prefer to think that we are extraordinary in our own way and no one gains anything by trying to prove how "unique" he/she really is. If you feel the need to prove something then you should only prove it to yourself, not to others. Be who you are without the label.
Sunday, September 12, 2010
Continuance and Spinsterhood
This post is a continuance of my prior one on Agnes Grey, not so much on the book itself but on marriage. I am a 36 year old single woman, never married with no serious prospects(that's funny to say), no children, just myself to depend on and back in the day I would have been a spinster (and by some folks I probably still am). Does it bother me that I am not married? That's an interesting question because in my 20's I wanted to be married but it never happened for whatever reason, so now that I have been on my own for so long, do I feel that I should get married(at some point)?
Fortunately, in most (but not all) societies women do have a choice whether to get married or not. In my situation, I do not feel like I should get married; however I think it is something I would like perhaps one day (and no I would never have a traditional wedding). As much as I proclaim my independence, I don't like to be alone all the time, just sometimes (I think it's perfectly healthy for couples to have separate time away from one another)and I think most humans do crave companionship in some capacity, whether it is genetics or just our society, I think everyone wants to belong with someone.
When I was in my 20's, I was just starting to figure out life and had no clue what I wanted. In some ways, I am still clueless but I do know what I don't want and that is just to get married just because I am older and I should. I don't want to fall into that trapped way of thinking. People have told me I am not the marrying kind or that I am too set in my ways and I can't disagree with these statements but what people think may not come true either. Some people even assumed I'm gay, which is not true either, I like men way too much. I am sure people make other assumptions about unmarried women and men in their 30's but fortunately in our society it has become much more common for people to stay unmarried longer. From the time I was a child, it was expected that one would get married and have children, but times change and our society evolves. Don't get married because you feel like you should, get married for the right reasons, whatever they may be. If it's something you truly want, then go for it but if it's an option, then what's the point?
Fortunately, in most (but not all) societies women do have a choice whether to get married or not. In my situation, I do not feel like I should get married; however I think it is something I would like perhaps one day (and no I would never have a traditional wedding). As much as I proclaim my independence, I don't like to be alone all the time, just sometimes (I think it's perfectly healthy for couples to have separate time away from one another)and I think most humans do crave companionship in some capacity, whether it is genetics or just our society, I think everyone wants to belong with someone.
When I was in my 20's, I was just starting to figure out life and had no clue what I wanted. In some ways, I am still clueless but I do know what I don't want and that is just to get married just because I am older and I should. I don't want to fall into that trapped way of thinking. People have told me I am not the marrying kind or that I am too set in my ways and I can't disagree with these statements but what people think may not come true either. Some people even assumed I'm gay, which is not true either, I like men way too much. I am sure people make other assumptions about unmarried women and men in their 30's but fortunately in our society it has become much more common for people to stay unmarried longer. From the time I was a child, it was expected that one would get married and have children, but times change and our society evolves. Don't get married because you feel like you should, get married for the right reasons, whatever they may be. If it's something you truly want, then go for it but if it's an option, then what's the point?
Saturday, September 11, 2010
Agnes Grey
I just finished reading Agnes Grey by Anne Bronte the other day (yeah I know I should be working on other things but I needed a distraction). Anne is probably the least known of the Bronte sisters. Although, I found her prose to be less dense than Charlotte's and not as melancholy as Emily's, it would not be fair to compare her writing to theirs (although one cannot help but do so). I won't go into the plot summary but the story involves a poor young woman who must find a job and what else was there for a woman to do in such a situation but become a governess of course!
This is more of a social commentary than a book review because honestly, I couldn't wait to be done with the book. It was ok but I have read similar types of these books before and this one didn't stand out for me. I am glad women have come a long way from being governesses and having little prospects. It's depressing to think that women had to either become a governess or look for a husband, what kind of life is that? and if you look for a husband, it doesn't mean it would be a love match, find someone, anyone that has a little money and marry them? Imagine if some random guy came up to me and proposed marriage (wonder how that would turn out)?? Maybe better than some of my dates? It would be odd because how could you truly know someone.
Even in Agnes Grey I felt I never really knew Agnes' true character (and spoiler ahead), nor the character of the guy she ends up marrying. They never even kissed (that would have been a scandal back in the day)! I would just find it very odd to marry someone I never kissed, I know it still happens in some cultures.I am not saying everything has to be physical for some type of love to exist but it's just hard to imagine a relationship without physical contact. The book felt very plot driven to me, like this governess must get out of this solitary existence and she does end up getting married later, however it all felt like this was her only choice (and I am sure it was). Anyway, that's my social commentary on the book. I don't think I would have been accepted into society back then, unless I were a man, then that may have worked. Maybe one day, when I am done with school, I will make it a point to read every book that has a governess in it from the that time period, perhaps only then can I appreciate our current world we live in.
Edited to add: I am in no way judging anyone that abstains from physical contact prior to marriage, nor any woman that becomes a housewife. It is your business what you do. I just wanted to comment on what was unacceptable back then has become more commonplace now.
Friday, September 10, 2010
So this is what's wrong with me? I am kind of a psychopath?
10 signs your date’s a keeper
More rules to follow, oh boy. and yeah I already know I have problems, thanks for pointing them out. In case you don't want to click & read the article the author starts out by saying that the following is a psychopath checklist: "These are the traits psychopaths share: glibness, extreme charm, feelings of high self-worth, pathological lying, being prone to boredom and emotional unavailability" (I have a few of these traits actually, hmm, not a liar nor do I have high self-worth). Then the author talks about how her ex-boyfriend possessed some of these traits and then she gets into things to look for while dating. I am sure it may be helpful to some people but not so much for someone like me because I actually saw myself in a few of these ten signs (the negative aspect of the signs). I don't think you can base all ten signs on whether someone is actually a keeper or not. It's all on the individual and what you deem as appropriate behavior, go with your gut and you will be fine, besides no one is perfect, right?
Thursday, September 9, 2010
Some of my favorite things
A positive post today!
1. Hot tea, plain (black usually, Earl Grey is fine too) with sweetener, no funky flavored ones for me. Tea is better than dessert, love that stuff.
2. Target of course, the atmosphere is so comforting there.
3. Napping, I was born for siestas.
4. Walking in the woods, although I am not a true "outdoorsy" type, there's just something about being in the middle of nowhere with no one else around.
5. Reading, although I don't read as much as I used to, I still like to on occasion. I really do go through spurts with reading, sometimes I read a lot then I won't read anything for a few months.
6. Vodka, especially with Cranberry or OJ. Yum.
7. Trying new restaurants or even new recipes at home. I like experimenting with different types of food, although there are certain meats I won't touch (sorry I can't get into organ/game meats).
8. Travel, this is difficult for me because I like to experience new places/people/cultures but I don't like all the logistics that go into it (ie. planning) and I don't like super long trips. I still want to travel more though, mainly because it's fun! I just need someone else to plan it for me.
9. Latin American History/Culture. I find this history more fascinating than our own.
10. Writing of course, otherwise I wouldn't be writing this blog (although I don't like the research aspect of writing, I rather just write whatever comes out of my head).
1. Hot tea, plain (black usually, Earl Grey is fine too) with sweetener, no funky flavored ones for me. Tea is better than dessert, love that stuff.
2. Target of course, the atmosphere is so comforting there.
3. Napping, I was born for siestas.
4. Walking in the woods, although I am not a true "outdoorsy" type, there's just something about being in the middle of nowhere with no one else around.
5. Reading, although I don't read as much as I used to, I still like to on occasion. I really do go through spurts with reading, sometimes I read a lot then I won't read anything for a few months.
6. Vodka, especially with Cranberry or OJ. Yum.
7. Trying new restaurants or even new recipes at home. I like experimenting with different types of food, although there are certain meats I won't touch (sorry I can't get into organ/game meats).
8. Travel, this is difficult for me because I like to experience new places/people/cultures but I don't like all the logistics that go into it (ie. planning) and I don't like super long trips. I still want to travel more though, mainly because it's fun! I just need someone else to plan it for me.
9. Latin American History/Culture. I find this history more fascinating than our own.
10. Writing of course, otherwise I wouldn't be writing this blog (although I don't like the research aspect of writing, I rather just write whatever comes out of my head).
Wednesday, September 8, 2010
Death is not what it seems
What do I know of death? A lot more than I should;however I couldn't say what happens to your "soul" or if there is a better life than this one, I am not psychic nor would I would lie to you about things I know nothing about. My beliefs don't fall into any category, it is a nice thought that an afterlife should exist but I don't feel any love other than for earthly beings, not the celestial kind. I don't want to get into the religious aspect of death because everyone should believe what they want, not what they are told to believe.
This is just my opinion though, so what brought up this morbid topic? Why a death in the family of course. My sister called me yesterday at work and told me our Great-Aunt Eleanor had passed over the weekend at the age of 92. 92! Please don't let me live that long, please. I am amazed I made it to 30, seriously. I had not seen her in many, many years. I knew her mainly from my childhood, as she and my mother seemed to be friends but once Aunt Eleanor remarried, she drifted apart from the family(strange how people in our family do this, we are not a close family). She was in the beginning stages of Alzheimer's, so it was a good thing she went when she did. Aunt Eleanor was the oldest of ten children and the two things I remember most about her were she was a coupon cutter and she liked to sew. I certainly didn't learn any type of frugality from her.
My sister asked if I could come to the funeral this weekend and I told her I didn't think I could. I have way too much stuff on my plate and it seems we said our goodbyes years ago. Is this rather cruel or selfish of me (yes to the selfish part)? Some may think so but I try to be practical about these things. Death doesn't bother me, nor do funerals for that matter, after all I have worked in a mortuary for years (well little children get to me). It's a process we go through and a part of life. Aunt Eleanor was just passing through this life and was a brief part of mine. I don't need to see her to say goodbye because I did that long ago.
This is just my opinion though, so what brought up this morbid topic? Why a death in the family of course. My sister called me yesterday at work and told me our Great-Aunt Eleanor had passed over the weekend at the age of 92. 92! Please don't let me live that long, please. I am amazed I made it to 30, seriously. I had not seen her in many, many years. I knew her mainly from my childhood, as she and my mother seemed to be friends but once Aunt Eleanor remarried, she drifted apart from the family(strange how people in our family do this, we are not a close family). She was in the beginning stages of Alzheimer's, so it was a good thing she went when she did. Aunt Eleanor was the oldest of ten children and the two things I remember most about her were she was a coupon cutter and she liked to sew. I certainly didn't learn any type of frugality from her.
My sister asked if I could come to the funeral this weekend and I told her I didn't think I could. I have way too much stuff on my plate and it seems we said our goodbyes years ago. Is this rather cruel or selfish of me (yes to the selfish part)? Some may think so but I try to be practical about these things. Death doesn't bother me, nor do funerals for that matter, after all I have worked in a mortuary for years (well little children get to me). It's a process we go through and a part of life. Aunt Eleanor was just passing through this life and was a brief part of mine. I don't need to see her to say goodbye because I did that long ago.
Tuesday, September 7, 2010
Not Interested
How hard is it to say "not interested"? Is it really that difficult?
I must admit I am as guilty as the next person. You know what I am talking about, a friend mentions this restaurant he/she wants to check out and you say, "great, let's go", even if you don't mean it. Or perhaps, you have been on a date, minimal chemistry and at the end, he says the old, "I will call you", instead of "not interested" and you never hear from him again. "I will call you" is so much politer than saying "not interested". Why as a society must we pretend this politeness (although I don't really think it's polite)? We pretend that all is right in the world when it's not. "Not interested"?, we would never say such a thing!
Not interested, two words that seem so simple but so complex at the same time. A while ago, I had forged a new friendship with someone and things were fine(well maybe we had different opinions, but who doesn't?), then my friend decided to ignore my texts and subsequent email, so ignoring me is so much better than saying "not interested"? If I ever run into this person again, do I just pretend and be polite? No, I don't think so, the cold shoulder is so much better. Ignore the situation and it goes away, right?
Oh, I am not saying I am not guilty as everyone else because surely I am and perhaps I am writing this for my own sake, as a reminder that saying "not interested" is not really that difficult after all. Although, it may be blunt and less polite, is ignoring or pretending to want to follow through that much better? Try saying "not interested" next time you are in a situation you are "not interested" in and maybe you will start a new trend.
I must admit I am as guilty as the next person. You know what I am talking about, a friend mentions this restaurant he/she wants to check out and you say, "great, let's go", even if you don't mean it. Or perhaps, you have been on a date, minimal chemistry and at the end, he says the old, "I will call you", instead of "not interested" and you never hear from him again. "I will call you" is so much politer than saying "not interested". Why as a society must we pretend this politeness (although I don't really think it's polite)? We pretend that all is right in the world when it's not. "Not interested"?, we would never say such a thing!
Not interested, two words that seem so simple but so complex at the same time. A while ago, I had forged a new friendship with someone and things were fine(well maybe we had different opinions, but who doesn't?), then my friend decided to ignore my texts and subsequent email, so ignoring me is so much better than saying "not interested"? If I ever run into this person again, do I just pretend and be polite? No, I don't think so, the cold shoulder is so much better. Ignore the situation and it goes away, right?
Oh, I am not saying I am not guilty as everyone else because surely I am and perhaps I am writing this for my own sake, as a reminder that saying "not interested" is not really that difficult after all. Although, it may be blunt and less polite, is ignoring or pretending to want to follow through that much better? Try saying "not interested" next time you are in a situation you are "not interested" in and maybe you will start a new trend.
Monday, September 6, 2010
Conformity is detrimental to my health..
What does that mean?
I am a believer in individual thought and the individual must prevail. This is not to say I don't listen to other people because I do but I think we get all caught up in this thing called normalcy. Truthfully, what is normal? Something made up by some old white guy? Please, there is no such thing as normal, it's all the individual. Someone once told me there are "certain societal standards you must abide by", oh really and who controls this society that we live in? Oh yes, we must have rules to live by, otherwise there would be chaos but who are you to tell me I can't act like a child or express my opinion?
All my life, people have told me I am crazy or insane, which doesn't bother me but the funny thing is, I never once said to anyone "you are too white bread normal, shake it up baby" because it is not my thing to judge who you are or what you do. Whatever you do is on you and no one should ever tell you, who you can or cannot be. Conformity is detrimental to my health because it is not who I am. I am an individual, not someone who wants to be shaped or expected to live like every other American out there. I want to make my own rules, live my own life, that's all I ever wanted. I do follow rules, but only the ones that are law abiding(well most of the time) but I like to color those rules and make them my own. No one will ever tell me how to live my life because that is not who I am.
Conformity is detrimental to my health because it suffocates the individual and shapes you into being someone you are not. Live your life how you want to, not the way society expects you to. Live your life as an individual, not as someone who has conformed to what is deemed as normal. Normalcy is overrated, long live the individual. Do the unexpected, however unrealistic it may seem.
I am a believer in individual thought and the individual must prevail. This is not to say I don't listen to other people because I do but I think we get all caught up in this thing called normalcy. Truthfully, what is normal? Something made up by some old white guy? Please, there is no such thing as normal, it's all the individual. Someone once told me there are "certain societal standards you must abide by", oh really and who controls this society that we live in? Oh yes, we must have rules to live by, otherwise there would be chaos but who are you to tell me I can't act like a child or express my opinion?
All my life, people have told me I am crazy or insane, which doesn't bother me but the funny thing is, I never once said to anyone "you are too white bread normal, shake it up baby" because it is not my thing to judge who you are or what you do. Whatever you do is on you and no one should ever tell you, who you can or cannot be. Conformity is detrimental to my health because it is not who I am. I am an individual, not someone who wants to be shaped or expected to live like every other American out there. I want to make my own rules, live my own life, that's all I ever wanted. I do follow rules, but only the ones that are law abiding(well most of the time) but I like to color those rules and make them my own. No one will ever tell me how to live my life because that is not who I am.
Conformity is detrimental to my health because it suffocates the individual and shapes you into being someone you are not. Live your life how you want to, not the way society expects you to. Live your life as an individual, not as someone who has conformed to what is deemed as normal. Normalcy is overrated, long live the individual. Do the unexpected, however unrealistic it may seem.
Sunday, September 5, 2010
Insert Really Creative Title Here
I have trouble with coming up with creative titles, that & endings. I promise I will work on this.
The topic of the day? Cheating, not homework cheating either. The kind of cheating that can break your heart or mind. A divorced friend of mine confided in me that his/her spouse had cheated on him/her twice (well, that my friend knew about) within their marriage. I am sure there were other issues within the marriage but cheating is never the answer.
You want out? Just say the word and I am out, at least that's my philosophy. I am not against cheating for moral grounds (I am agnostic) but as a matter of principle and prior experience. When I was young and stupid, I was in a tumultuous relationship. My so-called boyfriend at the time, would ignore me and go out with other girls, which happened quite a few times. I thought I was in love, so I wanted to stay with him but love doesn't make a relationship. This went on for quite some time and then my neighbor came along. I knew he always had a thing for me and although I didn't want to be with him, I still slept with him. Why, there are a few reasons but mainly because I could. The opportunity presented itself and my boyfriend didn't seem to care. It didn't make me feel any better, nor was it right for that matter.
Now I realize our relationship was never great because my ex-boyfriend always wanted out but I was too blind to see it. I think some of us do put on blinders in a relationship and to me this was never a "real" relationship. I didn't have the feeling that I was worthy of something better, maybe we all felt that at one time. I have never been married, so I don't know what truly goes on in a marriage. I do know people evolve as well as relationships, whether for the good or the bad, however I don't believe cheating on anyone is ever the answer.
Oh, I realize there will always be temptation and flirtation but if you can't control yourself beyond that, then you may ask yourself why am I still with this person? Leaving is never easy but staying may be harder in the long run. I am not preaching to anyone, just venting and sharing my own experience because my friend, whether he or she believes it or not, deserves much better. I hope he/she finds someone as equally worthy as he/she is because the cheater is a moron (sorry I know that's not nice) and didn't realize what he/she had, until my friend decided to end the marriage.
It takes a lot of courage to end a relationship that is not working and I have to admire my friend, that although there were other reasons for the dissolve of the marriage, for staying as long as he/she did because I don't know if I could have. I am not comparing my experience to his/hers because they are nothing alike but I can relate on some level. I do know that this experience taught me, you must communicate with the other person, otherwise the other person does not know what your expectations are. The never knowing is a killer and the should I or shouldn't I, all the questions that come with the ending of the relationship, are never an easy task to bear but like I said previously, I don't know what goes on in a marriage nor was I directly involved in my friend's marriage.
I realize at times, I may share some really personal experiences but it's part of being a writer, right?, putting yourself out there, something I am slowly learning to do. I can only share my experience with you and that is, cheating is never the answer. You want out, then just go.
The topic of the day? Cheating, not homework cheating either. The kind of cheating that can break your heart or mind. A divorced friend of mine confided in me that his/her spouse had cheated on him/her twice (well, that my friend knew about) within their marriage. I am sure there were other issues within the marriage but cheating is never the answer.
You want out? Just say the word and I am out, at least that's my philosophy. I am not against cheating for moral grounds (I am agnostic) but as a matter of principle and prior experience. When I was young and stupid, I was in a tumultuous relationship. My so-called boyfriend at the time, would ignore me and go out with other girls, which happened quite a few times. I thought I was in love, so I wanted to stay with him but love doesn't make a relationship. This went on for quite some time and then my neighbor came along. I knew he always had a thing for me and although I didn't want to be with him, I still slept with him. Why, there are a few reasons but mainly because I could. The opportunity presented itself and my boyfriend didn't seem to care. It didn't make me feel any better, nor was it right for that matter.
Now I realize our relationship was never great because my ex-boyfriend always wanted out but I was too blind to see it. I think some of us do put on blinders in a relationship and to me this was never a "real" relationship. I didn't have the feeling that I was worthy of something better, maybe we all felt that at one time. I have never been married, so I don't know what truly goes on in a marriage. I do know people evolve as well as relationships, whether for the good or the bad, however I don't believe cheating on anyone is ever the answer.
Oh, I realize there will always be temptation and flirtation but if you can't control yourself beyond that, then you may ask yourself why am I still with this person? Leaving is never easy but staying may be harder in the long run. I am not preaching to anyone, just venting and sharing my own experience because my friend, whether he or she believes it or not, deserves much better. I hope he/she finds someone as equally worthy as he/she is because the cheater is a moron (sorry I know that's not nice) and didn't realize what he/she had, until my friend decided to end the marriage.
It takes a lot of courage to end a relationship that is not working and I have to admire my friend, that although there were other reasons for the dissolve of the marriage, for staying as long as he/she did because I don't know if I could have. I am not comparing my experience to his/hers because they are nothing alike but I can relate on some level. I do know that this experience taught me, you must communicate with the other person, otherwise the other person does not know what your expectations are. The never knowing is a killer and the should I or shouldn't I, all the questions that come with the ending of the relationship, are never an easy task to bear but like I said previously, I don't know what goes on in a marriage nor was I directly involved in my friend's marriage.
I realize at times, I may share some really personal experiences but it's part of being a writer, right?, putting yourself out there, something I am slowly learning to do. I can only share my experience with you and that is, cheating is never the answer. You want out, then just go.
Saturday, September 4, 2010
Ways to get on my good side
The title says it all:
1. Sense of humor, make me laugh and I am all yours.
2. Don't be pushy. I like my personal space thank you very much.
3. Communicate, I would rather someone be honest with me and tell me upfront, then leave me guessing.
4. Let me be who I am and don't be overly critical because you are not so perfect yourself.
5. Realize I am sensitive and don't assume that I have a thick skin because I really don't, despite my somewhat tough demeanor.
1. Sense of humor, make me laugh and I am all yours.
2. Don't be pushy. I like my personal space thank you very much.
3. Communicate, I would rather someone be honest with me and tell me upfront, then leave me guessing.
4. Let me be who I am and don't be overly critical because you are not so perfect yourself.
5. Realize I am sensitive and don't assume that I have a thick skin because I really don't, despite my somewhat tough demeanor.
Friday, September 3, 2010
What can I say?
Today is short and sweet...
Expect the least and worst from people, then maybe you will receive the best.
Expect the least and worst from people, then maybe you will receive the best.
Thursday, September 2, 2010
Fun stuff (well maybe)
Getting to know me.
Ten Random Things You May Not Know About Me:
1. I am deathly afraid of heights.
2. I was rather "alternative" in college, wore flannels & hung out with the outside crowd, so you can say I was far from the sorority crowd.
3. I almost flunked out of my second semester of college. My mother thought it was because I partied too much, but looking back I would say I was depressed.
4. Red is my favorite color for a car (& yes I drive a red car!).
5. I eat peanut butter out of the jar, even though sometimes it makes my throat itch.
6. I rarely ever read the same book twice.
7. When I first attended college, I wanted to study Psychology but my mother talked me out of it because she thought I would do much better at Spanish. In the end, I ended up getting my English degree because I couldn't get past this one upper level Spanish class (didn't have the skills or inclination).
8. My last serious relationship was more than ten years ago. Of course I have dated but for whatever reason, nothing ever evolved. Maybe I am deficient in this area.
9. People sometimes think I am shy when I first meet them. Maybe I was shy when I was younger but not so much now. I think I am just very weary of people when I first meet them and it takes me a while to warm up to them.
10. When I was young, I always wanted green eyes. Back then, my eyes were dark brown, since then they have have turned a lighter brown, some call them hazel. Wonder what that's about? Weird genetic mutation or wishful thinking?
Ten Random Things You May Not Know About Me:
1. I am deathly afraid of heights.
2. I was rather "alternative" in college, wore flannels & hung out with the outside crowd, so you can say I was far from the sorority crowd.
3. I almost flunked out of my second semester of college. My mother thought it was because I partied too much, but looking back I would say I was depressed.
4. Red is my favorite color for a car (& yes I drive a red car!).
5. I eat peanut butter out of the jar, even though sometimes it makes my throat itch.
6. I rarely ever read the same book twice.
7. When I first attended college, I wanted to study Psychology but my mother talked me out of it because she thought I would do much better at Spanish. In the end, I ended up getting my English degree because I couldn't get past this one upper level Spanish class (didn't have the skills or inclination).
8. My last serious relationship was more than ten years ago. Of course I have dated but for whatever reason, nothing ever evolved. Maybe I am deficient in this area.
9. People sometimes think I am shy when I first meet them. Maybe I was shy when I was younger but not so much now. I think I am just very weary of people when I first meet them and it takes me a while to warm up to them.
10. When I was young, I always wanted green eyes. Back then, my eyes were dark brown, since then they have have turned a lighter brown, some call them hazel. Wonder what that's about? Weird genetic mutation or wishful thinking?
Wednesday, September 1, 2010
Confrontation
I don't enjoy confrontation, mainly because you never know how the other person is going to act. It can also be intimidating to confront people, although I have made it a point to never let anyone intimidate me because the first 18 years (ok maybe a little past 18) of my life were full of an intimidating mother. However, I have tried to move past that and I am much more assertive than I used to be. Maybe I am not always assertive in the right way but I know things will never change if I do not confront them.
This brings me to my dilemma, so how do I go about confronting the person living above me (she has lived here only a few months)? There have been several times, she has woken me up in the middle of night, stomping around, slamming stuff, etc. Saturday morning I was woken up at 2 a.m. and ended up staying up all night. Then Sunday night, she & her boyfriend were arguing so I had listen to that & was kept up intermittently throughout the night. I am not sure she realizes or even cares that anyone lives below her. It is unfortunate that her bedroom is right above mine and she is a heavy walker(stomping is more like it), which echoes more on hardwood floors. I don't believe she has put down any rugs, although that request is in the lease. So anyway, this evening I left a brief message on the apartment leasing office's phone, whether they care or not, I do not know. However, I am reluctant to confront this person because one, what if it makes the situation worse (and I have no authority over her), and two, I was in this situation once before & when I asked the person to not be so loud in the middle of the night, my request was ignored. So, I am at a crossroads here and will leave it in the apartment rental manager's hands, and if worse comes to worse, I can always move again (although I did not want to move until next summer). It is a wait and see situation, that may or not work in my favor. Hopefully, she will stop being such a heifer.
This brings me to my dilemma, so how do I go about confronting the person living above me (she has lived here only a few months)? There have been several times, she has woken me up in the middle of night, stomping around, slamming stuff, etc. Saturday morning I was woken up at 2 a.m. and ended up staying up all night. Then Sunday night, she & her boyfriend were arguing so I had listen to that & was kept up intermittently throughout the night. I am not sure she realizes or even cares that anyone lives below her. It is unfortunate that her bedroom is right above mine and she is a heavy walker(stomping is more like it), which echoes more on hardwood floors. I don't believe she has put down any rugs, although that request is in the lease. So anyway, this evening I left a brief message on the apartment leasing office's phone, whether they care or not, I do not know. However, I am reluctant to confront this person because one, what if it makes the situation worse (and I have no authority over her), and two, I was in this situation once before & when I asked the person to not be so loud in the middle of the night, my request was ignored. So, I am at a crossroads here and will leave it in the apartment rental manager's hands, and if worse comes to worse, I can always move again (although I did not want to move until next summer). It is a wait and see situation, that may or not work in my favor. Hopefully, she will stop being such a heifer.
Monday, August 30, 2010
What was I thinking?
Someone once told me I have no filter, meaning that I just say whatever comes out of my mouth. I can't disagree with this. I guess this stems from childhood where I felt I couldn't say what I thought without being judged. Rather than discussions being held, I was told this is the way things are without understanding why they are that way. I am sure there other reasons I am so blunt, however I guess it's not relevant. Sometimes I need to learn to put the filter on and realize I don't always have to say what I am thinking or feeling for that matter.
Then again, my bluntness and communication style are part of who I am. Why should I change for anyone, especially if others see me socially inept (People can be so judgmental, why should I care what they think)? Is there a happy medium I can reach? or should I just stay the same? Perhaps I should attempt to become more socially acceptable but then again why should I pretend to be something I am not?
Then again, my bluntness and communication style are part of who I am. Why should I change for anyone, especially if others see me socially inept (People can be so judgmental, why should I care what they think)? Is there a happy medium I can reach? or should I just stay the same? Perhaps I should attempt to become more socially acceptable but then again why should I pretend to be something I am not?
Sunday, August 29, 2010
Tomorrow
Tomorrow, is the beginning of the end. It is Fall Semester 2010, possibly my last official college class, and the beginning of my thesis. I told myself, since I wasn't taking summer classes, I would work on my thesis but that didn't happen. I know the subject matter, in fact just changed my mind a few weeks ago & this time, it feels like the right decision. I don't know what's going to happen if I graduate, where I am going to end up but hopefully I won't be staying at CSU. For now, I have to concentrate on getting through this semester & a long road ahead to my final thesis, 35 pages of hell.
Friday, August 27, 2010
Transitions
No this is not a review on those special lenses nor a literature lecture but this is about life transitions and how certain individuals configure into one's life. As usual, you may be asking yourself what in the heck is she talking about now? Patience, I will explain.
Have you ever felt like in your life that you are a transitional piece and there is no permanency in your life? That your life is constantly in limbo and ever changing? That stability is lost to you? I have been both fortunate and unfortunate to experience these transitions. I call them transitions because people and experiences are constantly changing around me. I don't consider them losses because I have chosen to gain something from them, something at the time that may not be seen as a gain.
I consider myself a "transitional piece", if you will, because it is my belief that there is nothing permanent in this life. Every past relationship(family,friendships, ex-beaus) I have had, has proven this. I will not pretend that I am close to my family because I am not. We are different people and even though I was close to my sister when we were young, we have grown way apart. It took me a long time to realize my family was only there to watch me grow up and that is all. Friendships come & go, although mostly a loner, I have had some close friends but we have evolved and moved on, lost touch, so forth. The ex-beaus, what can I say? As far as I know, I was only a transition to their next relationship, a small part of their lives, forgotten and lost.
Has this been a choice on my part or is just fate? I have little faith in fate, so maybe it is just the way life is and we are constantly transitioning in and out of each others lives. And I shouldn't take it so personally, when someone just disappears out of my life permanently.
Have you ever felt like in your life that you are a transitional piece and there is no permanency in your life? That your life is constantly in limbo and ever changing? That stability is lost to you? I have been both fortunate and unfortunate to experience these transitions. I call them transitions because people and experiences are constantly changing around me. I don't consider them losses because I have chosen to gain something from them, something at the time that may not be seen as a gain.
I consider myself a "transitional piece", if you will, because it is my belief that there is nothing permanent in this life. Every past relationship(family,friendships, ex-beaus) I have had, has proven this. I will not pretend that I am close to my family because I am not. We are different people and even though I was close to my sister when we were young, we have grown way apart. It took me a long time to realize my family was only there to watch me grow up and that is all. Friendships come & go, although mostly a loner, I have had some close friends but we have evolved and moved on, lost touch, so forth. The ex-beaus, what can I say? As far as I know, I was only a transition to their next relationship, a small part of their lives, forgotten and lost.
Has this been a choice on my part or is just fate? I have little faith in fate, so maybe it is just the way life is and we are constantly transitioning in and out of each others lives. And I shouldn't take it so personally, when someone just disappears out of my life permanently.
Thursday, August 26, 2010
Eating Plan
Around the middle/end of July, I started a new eating plan. I don't consider this a DIET! I consider this a LIFE plan, so to speak, meaning this is the way I want to eat for the rest of my life (or at least close to it). Anyway, I started out following the South Beach plan because even though it is initially restrictive, it does allow you to incorporate certain foods back into the plan.
At first, I ate way too much protein, which I am not used to doing (and believe me this was not a good thing). I have since adjusted the amount of protein I eat, incorporated more vegetables (except carrots/potatoes, I don't care much for potatoes anyway), added some whole grains (nothing white flour, no pastries, etc), and occasionally fruit(no bananas/pineapple). I haven't been eating that much fruit, only because it was eliminated at the beginning but I do need to add some more back into my plan. I haven't followed the plan as closely as I should but I feel if I stick with original principles I should be ok (I really just wanted some guidelines to begin with).
How am I doing? Well, at first I was frustrated because I expected "immediate" results and who doesn't want results right away?! However, recently people have told me my face looks thinner & my clothes seem a little looser, so I must be doing something right. I haven't weighed myself, so I can't say how much weight I have lost(I don't own a scale). However, I do know I need to amp up my exercise routine (I have been taking short walks at lunch) but I need to commit myself to 3 days a week of cardio, which I will do through DVDs I already own but rarely use. Personally, I love TurboJam, which is a mix of Kickboxing/Dance. It doesn't feel like working out & it's fun, plus the instructor isn't overly annoying, which is a bonus in my book. I actually do feel a lot better as well, more euphoric and my energy level seems higher.
Why am I doing this? Well, the number one motivator for me is of course I want to lose weight and for once, I am determined to do this. When I was younger, I struggled with a completely different problem, I used to practically starve myself in high school to be thin. I think this stemmed from seeing an overweight mother, who was so unhappy and very poor self-esteem on my part. Food consumption was something I could control. Up until I was in my mid-twenties, I was always thin, at times almost too thin. Then life happened, I went through some very difficult times, and just kept gaining weight. I became too comfortable with this unhealthy person I am. Instead of being in control, I became out of control.
What will the end result be? Hopefully, I can be a much healthier person than I am right now. I feel like I am on the right path and I look forward to the results. I can't say it will be easy but I can't back down now, can I?
At first, I ate way too much protein, which I am not used to doing (and believe me this was not a good thing). I have since adjusted the amount of protein I eat, incorporated more vegetables (except carrots/potatoes, I don't care much for potatoes anyway), added some whole grains (nothing white flour, no pastries, etc), and occasionally fruit(no bananas/pineapple). I haven't been eating that much fruit, only because it was eliminated at the beginning but I do need to add some more back into my plan. I haven't followed the plan as closely as I should but I feel if I stick with original principles I should be ok (I really just wanted some guidelines to begin with).
How am I doing? Well, at first I was frustrated because I expected "immediate" results and who doesn't want results right away?! However, recently people have told me my face looks thinner & my clothes seem a little looser, so I must be doing something right. I haven't weighed myself, so I can't say how much weight I have lost(I don't own a scale). However, I do know I need to amp up my exercise routine (I have been taking short walks at lunch) but I need to commit myself to 3 days a week of cardio, which I will do through DVDs I already own but rarely use. Personally, I love TurboJam, which is a mix of Kickboxing/Dance. It doesn't feel like working out & it's fun, plus the instructor isn't overly annoying, which is a bonus in my book. I actually do feel a lot better as well, more euphoric and my energy level seems higher.
Why am I doing this? Well, the number one motivator for me is of course I want to lose weight and for once, I am determined to do this. When I was younger, I struggled with a completely different problem, I used to practically starve myself in high school to be thin. I think this stemmed from seeing an overweight mother, who was so unhappy and very poor self-esteem on my part. Food consumption was something I could control. Up until I was in my mid-twenties, I was always thin, at times almost too thin. Then life happened, I went through some very difficult times, and just kept gaining weight. I became too comfortable with this unhealthy person I am. Instead of being in control, I became out of control.
What will the end result be? Hopefully, I can be a much healthier person than I am right now. I feel like I am on the right path and I look forward to the results. I can't say it will be easy but I can't back down now, can I?
Sunday, August 22, 2010
The present
All things must progress to an end, whether we them to or not. Live in the moment, not in the past or the future, but live only as if the present exists. There is no tomorrow, unless we live today.
Monday, August 16, 2010
Exceeding my expectations
I try to not have high expectations of people, one people tend to disappoint because what else they are people? They have their own lives and ideas, viewpoints, etc but sometimes someone comes along that exceeds those expectations and it gives me pause to think, is this person for real? I also don't think I deserve to have my expectations met because of things from the past and also I am so used to being disappointed. I used to think there was something wrong with me but I have come to realize I am not the one with the problem and if I quit having expectations perhaps I won't be disappointed. Maybe this is faulty logic, then again maybe not but one thing I can say for certain is there is at least one person that far exceeded who I thought he was. Impressive indeed. and there is hope for humanity yet.
Saturday, July 17, 2010
Work Place Socialization
I have always tried to keep to myself. This is not to say I have not had my share of good and bad friendships but I have tried really hard to be as self-sufficient as possible. Recently, there has been a lot of drama at work and with drama, comes gossip. I do not care what people do, however the drama and gossip has caused me to think, how much of myself should I be sharing with my co-workers?
I am a very private person and share limited amounts of information but I would go as far as to say, very few people at work know details about my personal life. So what is my limit of information I share? In the past, I have been betrayed (and very much hurt) by people I have worked with and still currently work with, so if you take my past experiences with what is currently happening, then I am reluctant to forge any friendships with my co-workers. For myself, I am finally drawing a line, just because I work with someone, does not mean I have to share my life or become friends with him or her. It is in my own best interest to separate my personal life from my work life. I think for my own happiness and peace of mind this is what has to happen because I know myself far better than anyone else does.
Could I be losing out on the best friendship of my life because I am reluctant to be drawn into the inner circle? Yes, I could be, however I don't ever want to have to choose sides if it comes down between work or this friendship. Sometimes friendships are not meant to evolve beyond work. I wish I could be more trustworthy but past experience has taught me different, so I must draw the line and realize I am only at work to do a job and nothing more.
I am a very private person and share limited amounts of information but I would go as far as to say, very few people at work know details about my personal life. So what is my limit of information I share? In the past, I have been betrayed (and very much hurt) by people I have worked with and still currently work with, so if you take my past experiences with what is currently happening, then I am reluctant to forge any friendships with my co-workers. For myself, I am finally drawing a line, just because I work with someone, does not mean I have to share my life or become friends with him or her. It is in my own best interest to separate my personal life from my work life. I think for my own happiness and peace of mind this is what has to happen because I know myself far better than anyone else does.
Could I be losing out on the best friendship of my life because I am reluctant to be drawn into the inner circle? Yes, I could be, however I don't ever want to have to choose sides if it comes down between work or this friendship. Sometimes friendships are not meant to evolve beyond work. I wish I could be more trustworthy but past experience has taught me different, so I must draw the line and realize I am only at work to do a job and nothing more.
Tuesday, July 13, 2010
Bad Decisions
I have made my share of bad decisions, as most people have. My bad decisions include renting a shit hole apartment, which was next to Section 8 housing, run by a complete slum lord, who did nothing to improve that nasty place. Fortunately, I only lived there for 8 months, after I had enough of the roaches and the general sliminess of the place and neighborhood. I was young, naive and extremely poor, on the verge of bankruptcy, trying to dig myself out of a financial hole, which threatened to consume me from poor habits in college. Even though, those were dire times, I made it through them, without anyone having my back. These are regrets and things that cannot be undone.
Perhaps my most recent bad decision, would involve an unwillingness to believe in myself, an unwillingness that I cannot even understand myself. I have been in a the same job for ten years, a job that is yes, honest work, but it is a job that I despise. It is the kind of job that is repetitive and becomes a bad, a very bad habit. I have convinced myself that I have only stayed because I wanted to obtain another degree (I work at a university). The advantage to this is my tuition is free, so I am now on my third option, meaning I started out getting an Education certificate. Then I decided I didn't want to teach high school kids,so then I just took some writing classes. Finally, I decided to get an MFA, unfortunately I didn't get into the program. Well, after a year of not doing anything, I applied for the MA program and was accepted (surprisingly). Hopefully, I will be done in the next year, if I get through the thesis, which will be a great challenge for a procrastinator like myself. If I graduate, then I am not sure what is going to happen. I hope to move on from this job, as I have told myself too many times.
We all become too comfortable with our lives and change becomes a challenge. Our lives are constantly evolving, sometimes we don't always see it. Maybe it took me longer to find my path, more so than others but I do see another side to this, my decisions, whether bad or good have lead to this. When I was rejected from the MFA program, it was a complete letdown and as of this point, I still haven't written any fiction or poetry; however I am writing this blog, which says something in itself and that means I haven't given up, yet.
Perhaps my most recent bad decision, would involve an unwillingness to believe in myself, an unwillingness that I cannot even understand myself. I have been in a the same job for ten years, a job that is yes, honest work, but it is a job that I despise. It is the kind of job that is repetitive and becomes a bad, a very bad habit. I have convinced myself that I have only stayed because I wanted to obtain another degree (I work at a university). The advantage to this is my tuition is free, so I am now on my third option, meaning I started out getting an Education certificate. Then I decided I didn't want to teach high school kids,so then I just took some writing classes. Finally, I decided to get an MFA, unfortunately I didn't get into the program. Well, after a year of not doing anything, I applied for the MA program and was accepted (surprisingly). Hopefully, I will be done in the next year, if I get through the thesis, which will be a great challenge for a procrastinator like myself. If I graduate, then I am not sure what is going to happen. I hope to move on from this job, as I have told myself too many times.
We all become too comfortable with our lives and change becomes a challenge. Our lives are constantly evolving, sometimes we don't always see it. Maybe it took me longer to find my path, more so than others but I do see another side to this, my decisions, whether bad or good have lead to this. When I was rejected from the MFA program, it was a complete letdown and as of this point, I still haven't written any fiction or poetry; however I am writing this blog, which says something in itself and that means I haven't given up, yet.
Sunday, July 11, 2010
Small Idea
I really don't consider myself extraordinary, nor do I think I have the capability to influence another person's life. All I know is, I can only share my experiences and thoughts with you (if anyone at all is listening), not that it matters if anyone is reading this. I don't tend to hold back too much, unless it is complete emotional involvement, then that is another matter, which I won't bore you with.
I guess you are wondering what is the point of this post? I started this blog, not because my life is so interesting that I need to share it with someone else but because I need an avenue to explore and vent, whether to rant or share opinions or to spread happy joy. I always wanted to be writer, I can't believe I said that loud, however I always listened to what other people told me I should be. I have been down many other paths but my experience has lead me back to this, whether it is the right path I do not know. This is what I do know, I will never stop writing, even if someone tells me it is not something I should be doing. Unreasonable critics be damned, this is who I am and who I will be. I was always a writer, I just didn't realize it at the time.
I guess you are wondering what is the point of this post? I started this blog, not because my life is so interesting that I need to share it with someone else but because I need an avenue to explore and vent, whether to rant or share opinions or to spread happy joy. I always wanted to be writer, I can't believe I said that loud, however I always listened to what other people told me I should be. I have been down many other paths but my experience has lead me back to this, whether it is the right path I do not know. This is what I do know, I will never stop writing, even if someone tells me it is not something I should be doing. Unreasonable critics be damned, this is who I am and who I will be. I was always a writer, I just didn't realize it at the time.
Tuesday, July 6, 2010
Erie Insurance Continued
Today, I received a response to my letter I sent them at the end of June. In my first letter to them, I addressed the three incidents, stating clearly I was only at fault for two incidents, not three accidents and they never paid out on the third incident(which was December 2008 and my fault). To be clear, in case you are not, the first incident in January 2007 was not my fault, the latter two incidents in 2008 were my fault but Erie never paid anything on the last one because I closed it out. I also addressed the fact that the same day I received their notice for dropping my auto insurance, they decided to renew my home renters insurance. I thought it was rather insulting that they renew my home rental insurance and advised them so.
Erie's response to me in the letter I received today was basically they would not renew my auto policy (for some reason they thought I wanted them to reconsider their decision, which was never my intent. I only wanted to express my point of view and I never asked them to reconsider their decision). This is also where becoming an informed consumer comes in handy. Erie advised me that they had not dropped me last year because Ohio law dictates the policy can only be reviewed every two years (and since my policy started in 2002, they could not drop me). They also advised me that they compared my claims to other policyholders, meaning that if someone has 0 claims vs. someone like me, then they will take that into account. Of course, the first five years with them, I did have a perfectly clean record, which they did not seem to care about or take into account. Erie also noted that my claim frequency was high, meaning that I had too many claims in three years. This is not entirely accurate as the first claim was January 2007, which would have been 3 1/2 years ago.
Erie did not choose to address my second issue with them, which was about the home rental insurance, which I asked them to discontinue. I found their response letter to be rather insincere and unoriginal. I will say they did address my concern about why they didn't drop me last year, I must give them credit for that. I have written them another letter which states the following:
"My complaint with your response letter is that you completely misinterpreted my letter to your company. Since reading comprehension seems to be a problem for you, then let me explain. Nowhere in my original letter did I ask your company to reconsider renewing my policy, nor did I ever express disappointment in your decision. The intent of my letter was to explain my position to you, since your original letter was quite vague and impersonal. I already accepted you were not going to renew my policy." I then address the home rental policy again and ask they cancel it, since Erie never addressed that portion in their response letter.
I guess my point of this is to never be afraid to be assertive and do not let these companies take advantage of you. These companies do not appreciate loyalty, nor do they appreciate the face behind the customer. It is the consumer's responsibility to be informed and to care about where he/she puts his/her money. Ask yourself, why would I want to support a company that only cares about the dollars and cents (let's face it they are in it for the money) and does not listen to the customer? If you want any more proof than this, then go back to the generic "Dear Policyholder", ask yourself how does that make you feel? We are all more than just policyholders!
Again, my rant is not to discredit Erie completely, I had some decent years with them and I will move on with my life. Perhaps, Erie will survive, then again they may not. However I cannot recommend them, especially if you have younger drivers or are a higher risk driver, even if you are not high risk, would you want to take a chance that you may a bad year or two? I left Erie with this final paragraph in my letter, "I understand this was a mere financial decision on your part, however how you treat people is a reflection of your company's character. If this is how you decide to treat people, then you must accept the consequences of your actions because every action has a consequence and people never forget how you treat them."
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The End
Erie's response to me in the letter I received today was basically they would not renew my auto policy (for some reason they thought I wanted them to reconsider their decision, which was never my intent. I only wanted to express my point of view and I never asked them to reconsider their decision). This is also where becoming an informed consumer comes in handy. Erie advised me that they had not dropped me last year because Ohio law dictates the policy can only be reviewed every two years (and since my policy started in 2002, they could not drop me). They also advised me that they compared my claims to other policyholders, meaning that if someone has 0 claims vs. someone like me, then they will take that into account. Of course, the first five years with them, I did have a perfectly clean record, which they did not seem to care about or take into account. Erie also noted that my claim frequency was high, meaning that I had too many claims in three years. This is not entirely accurate as the first claim was January 2007, which would have been 3 1/2 years ago.
Erie did not choose to address my second issue with them, which was about the home rental insurance, which I asked them to discontinue. I found their response letter to be rather insincere and unoriginal. I will say they did address my concern about why they didn't drop me last year, I must give them credit for that. I have written them another letter which states the following:
"My complaint with your response letter is that you completely misinterpreted my letter to your company. Since reading comprehension seems to be a problem for you, then let me explain. Nowhere in my original letter did I ask your company to reconsider renewing my policy, nor did I ever express disappointment in your decision. The intent of my letter was to explain my position to you, since your original letter was quite vague and impersonal. I already accepted you were not going to renew my policy." I then address the home rental policy again and ask they cancel it, since Erie never addressed that portion in their response letter.
I guess my point of this is to never be afraid to be assertive and do not let these companies take advantage of you. These companies do not appreciate loyalty, nor do they appreciate the face behind the customer. It is the consumer's responsibility to be informed and to care about where he/she puts his/her money. Ask yourself, why would I want to support a company that only cares about the dollars and cents (let's face it they are in it for the money) and does not listen to the customer? If you want any more proof than this, then go back to the generic "Dear Policyholder", ask yourself how does that make you feel? We are all more than just policyholders!
Again, my rant is not to discredit Erie completely, I had some decent years with them and I will move on with my life. Perhaps, Erie will survive, then again they may not. However I cannot recommend them, especially if you have younger drivers or are a higher risk driver, even if you are not high risk, would you want to take a chance that you may a bad year or two? I left Erie with this final paragraph in my letter, "I understand this was a mere financial decision on your part, however how you treat people is a reflection of your company's character. If this is how you decide to treat people, then you must accept the consequences of your actions because every action has a consequence and people never forget how you treat them."
<
The End
Erie Insurance
My first rant will be about Erie Insurance Company. It is not my intent to slander or make Erie Insurance look bad, however I believe we should all be more informed consumers. I will be the first to admit, I know or understand little about car insurance. I just know I need it to drive my car legally.
Erie Insurance is a company based in Erie, PA. They do not service all 50 states but they do serve my state which is Ohio. I discovered them through an insurance agency online about 8 years ago and have been with them ever since.
I will not post the exact letter they sent me, however the letter dated 6/23/10 begins "Dear Policyholder". Now this is one thing I take issue with, the generic greeting, "Dear Policyholder". I have been with your company 8 years and this is what you come up with? The rather short and impersonal note goes on to say that they have decided not to renew my policy because I had too many incidents with their company. Now isn't this why we pay for insurance, so we are covered in case accidents happen? Why would they decide to drop a long term customer and not just raise the rate? Their rather brief and final notice explained little about their decision.
The accidents that I actually claimed on were the following:
01/20/2007 My vehicle was hit in a parking lot by someone else (not my fault, I wasn't even in the car)
02/08/2008 I hit a pole in a parking lot (yes this was my fault)
There was 3rd incident in December 2008 but I dropped that claim because the damage was minor. They never paid anything out on this and there was never a police report filed.
I admit I am not the best driver, nor always the most careful, however I was puzzled by their decision and wrote them a letter.
Erie Insurance is a company based in Erie, PA. They do not service all 50 states but they do serve my state which is Ohio. I discovered them through an insurance agency online about 8 years ago and have been with them ever since.
I will not post the exact letter they sent me, however the letter dated 6/23/10 begins "Dear Policyholder". Now this is one thing I take issue with, the generic greeting, "Dear Policyholder". I have been with your company 8 years and this is what you come up with? The rather short and impersonal note goes on to say that they have decided not to renew my policy because I had too many incidents with their company. Now isn't this why we pay for insurance, so we are covered in case accidents happen? Why would they decide to drop a long term customer and not just raise the rate? Their rather brief and final notice explained little about their decision.
The accidents that I actually claimed on were the following:
01/20/2007 My vehicle was hit in a parking lot by someone else (not my fault, I wasn't even in the car)
02/08/2008 I hit a pole in a parking lot (yes this was my fault)
There was 3rd incident in December 2008 but I dropped that claim because the damage was minor. They never paid anything out on this and there was never a police report filed.
I admit I am not the best driver, nor always the most careful, however I was puzzled by their decision and wrote them a letter.
Welcome!
Welcome to my blog! I will keep this short & sweet for today. I promise I will rant and bitch daily (ok at least once a week) on multiple topics. I may even do a book review, if I ever get around to reading an actual book. You may or may not like what I have to say but you know I will say it. More later.
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