Staying positive

It's really hard to stay positive when things are not exactly going my way but I have to right? I have no choice but to move forth and forget what was said. I don't think people realize what they say sometimes can be so hurtful. I am sure I say things too that are not always nice but I try to be mindful of what I say and I admit when I make mistakes. It is unfortunate that in my world things do not always work out that way. For whatever reason, people think it's ok to be overly critical of me and instead of making it sound remotely positive, it just comes out totally negative. I don't go around openly criticizing people, I may think things but rarely do I ever say them to the person. I guess I don't take criticism or rejection very well. I am not thick skinned at all and this is one of many reasons I don't have close friends because I hate being hurt. I realize no one is perfect and I am far from it myself but I wish people were a little mindful of what they say that's all. I know I shouldn't take things personally but it's part of who I am and that's a hard thing to change. So now that I have vented, on to a more positive happy day right?

Alone

From a young age, I was taught responsibility and diligence, an adult before my time. Never once in my young life did I ever feel like anyone had "my back", individuality and encouragement were foreign words in my vocabulary. Duty, chores, be like your sister, but never be me.There are times I still feel like this, that I can count on no one and that I must go forth in this world alone. I know absolutely the only person I can count on is me. There are few people I trust and I will never allow myself to depend on anyone fully because from a young age I learned, I can depend on no one. Some of my darkest moments have been spent crying alone in a black room and I got through it alone. Did I ever want to give up(yes)? Did I have anyone to call(no)? I depended on myself only and picked myself up and moved on. I was alone and I still am alone, some may say by choice but I say I was born alone. I don't label myself a survivor, martyr or whatever other labels one may come up with, but realize it is just the way things are. Maybe someday I will give up, but for now I go into this world alone, as I came into it and I will leave it.

Be nice

There's a scene in the cinematic masterpiece Roadhouse, where Patrick Swayze's character tells his bouncer crew to "Be nice", until I say otherwise (I am paraphrasing the latter part but the "Be Nice" is there). It's hard to be nice, I much rather be a complete bitch because I guess it's natural for me to be that way (I learned this from my mother). I have learned that I don't always get my way when I am bitch, so I try hard to be nice.

As much as I try to be nice, it doesn't always work because if you are too nice, people take advantage of you. I don't want to be taken advantage of, so that's when my inner bitch comes out. People really have no idea how much I hold myself back and how hard it really is for me to be nice. I have to constantly remind myself to "be nice" instead of saying what I really want to say. Of course there are times, I can't refrain from saying what I want. I guess I am putting this here as a reminder to myself that I need to "be nice" more often and the hell with anyone who doesn't return the favor because that person who isn't nice to me, is not worth me calling him/her a douchebag or whatever terminology I come up with that day. So Ms. Vodka, "be nice".

Clarity

For the first time in a while, I have clarity, yay or scary??!! I know what I want & what I thought I wanted isn't what I wanted at all. I am a wanderlust and envy those that have traveled where I have not. This does not mean I will pack up and move to London (well yet). There are those that are content with what they have and there are those that want more. I don't want a lot of things out of my life but I do want to LOVE it & I don't feel I love my life as much as I should. Yes, I am ok with it but I feel there is something better out there, whatever that may be.

I feel as my life is progressing where I want it to be, yet it is a little scary to implement the changes that I desire. The important thing is I have realized I know what I don't want in my life and that is to be held back. The only thing seeming to hold me back is MYSELF, not anyone else but ME. So what does this mean? This means I have to believe in myself, something which is hard for me to do but by writing it down, it makes it a little more real?

I will leave you with a few lines from Robert Frost's The Road Not Taken:

Two roads diverged in a wood, and I-
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.



Clarity is a beautiful thing. May you find the journey you are looking for.

Issues

We all have issues, some more than others, but whatever issues you have, please don't take them out on me. I don't deserve to be treated in such a manner, nor do you have the right to assume what I want, so get over yourself real soon, as soon as you do, we will all be happier for it. The end. Love and peace.

How to be extraordinary

I don't have an answer on how to be extraordinary. By all appearances, I am as average as they come. My clothes are the ordinary things you buy from Kohl's, Target or Eddie Bauer, nothing fancy about them ( no loud prints, nothing froufrou). My looks are bland and generic. I can't tell you how many times people say, "oh you look so much like my friend" and etc. (No I don't look like your friend, I may remind you of someone but no way do I look exactly like someone). I don't think being extraordinary has to have anything to do with your appearance truthfully. I have known people who by all appearances didn't follow the social norm but underneath they were "normal" or at times even shallow.

So what does it take to become extraordinary? Perhaps it comes from your character or how you carry yourself? There are many things I do that follow the social norm; however there are times I do things that don't follow the rules. I see myself as an ordinary person, who sometimes has "out of the box" ideas but I have never seen myself as unique, perhaps because I am reluctant to put such a label on myself. If I label myself as extraordinary or unique, does that lessen the impact somehow? In a way it does because I have seen people refer to themselves as "unique" and I think why would you say that about yourself because in some way aren't we all unique? I prefer to think that we are extraordinary in our own way and no one gains anything by trying to prove how "unique" he/she really is. If you feel the need to prove something then you should only prove it to yourself, not to others. Be who you are without the label.

Continuance and Spinsterhood

This post is a continuance of my prior one on Agnes Grey, not so much on the book itself but on marriage. I am a 36 year old single woman, never married with no serious prospects(that's funny to say), no children, just myself to depend on and back in the day I would have been a spinster (and by some folks I probably still am). Does it bother me that I am not married? That's an interesting question because in my 20's I wanted to be married but it never happened for whatever reason, so now that I have been on my own for so long, do I feel that I should get married(at some point)?

Fortunately, in most (but not all) societies women do have a choice whether to get married or not. In my situation, I do not feel like I should get married; however I think it is something I would like perhaps one day (and no I would never have a traditional wedding). As much as I proclaim my independence, I don't like to be alone all the time, just sometimes (I think it's perfectly healthy for couples to have separate time away from one another)and I think most humans do crave companionship in some capacity, whether it is genetics or just our society, I think everyone wants to belong with someone.

When I was in my 20's, I was just starting to figure out life and had no clue what I wanted. In some ways, I am still clueless but I do know what I don't want and that is just to get married just because I am older and I should. I don't want to fall into that trapped way of thinking. People have told me I am not the marrying kind or that I am too set in my ways and I can't disagree with these statements but what people think may not come true either. Some people even assumed I'm gay, which is not true either, I like men way too much. I am sure people make other assumptions about unmarried women and men in their 30's but fortunately in our society it has become much more common for people to stay unmarried longer. From the time I was a child, it was expected that one would get married and have children, but times change and our society evolves. Don't get married because you feel like you should, get married for the right reasons, whatever they may be. If it's something you truly want, then go for it but if it's an option, then what's the point?

Agnes Grey

I just finished reading Agnes Grey by Anne Bronte the other day (yeah I know I should be working on other things but I needed a distraction). Anne is probably the least known of the Bronte sisters. Although, I found her prose to be less dense than Charlotte's and not as melancholy as Emily's, it would not be fair to compare her writing to theirs (although one cannot help but do so). I won't go into the plot summary but the story involves a poor young woman who must find a job and what else was there for a woman to do in such a situation but become a governess of course!

This is more of a social commentary than a book review because honestly, I couldn't wait to be done with the book. It was ok but I have read similar types of these books before and this one didn't stand out for me. I am glad women have come a long way from being governesses and having little prospects. It's depressing to think that women had to either become a governess or look for a husband, what kind of life is that? and if you look for a husband, it doesn't mean it would be a love match, find someone, anyone that has a little money and marry them? Imagine if some random guy came up to me and proposed marriage (wonder how that would turn out)?? Maybe better than some of my dates? It would be odd because how could you truly know someone.

Even in Agnes Grey I felt I never really knew Agnes' true character (and spoiler ahead), nor the character of the guy she ends up marrying. They never even kissed (that would have been a scandal back in the day)! I would just find it very odd to marry someone I never kissed, I know it still happens in some cultures.I am not saying everything has to be physical for some type of love to exist but it's just hard to imagine a relationship without physical contact. The book felt very plot driven to me, like this governess must get out of this solitary existence and she does end up getting married later, however it all felt like this was her only choice (and I am sure it was). Anyway, that's my social commentary on the book. I don't think I would have been accepted into society back then, unless I were a man, then that may have worked. Maybe one day, when I am done with school, I will make it a point to read every book that has a governess in it from the that time period, perhaps only then can I appreciate our current world we live in.

Edited to add: I am in no way judging anyone that abstains from physical contact prior to marriage, nor any woman that becomes a housewife. It is your business what you do. I just wanted to comment on what was unacceptable back then has become more commonplace now.

So this is what's wrong with me? I am kind of a psychopath?

10 signs your date’s a keeper

More rules to follow, oh boy. and yeah I already know I have problems, thanks for pointing them out. In case you don't want to click & read the article the author starts out by saying that the following is a psychopath checklist: "These are the traits psychopaths share: glibness, extreme charm, feelings of high self-worth, pathological lying, being prone to boredom and emotional unavailability" (I have a few of these traits actually, hmm, not a liar nor do I have high self-worth). Then the author talks about how her ex-boyfriend possessed some of these traits and then she gets into things to look for while dating. I am sure it may be helpful to some people but not so much for someone like me because I actually saw myself in a few of these ten signs (the negative aspect of the signs). I don't think you can base all ten signs on whether someone is actually a keeper or not. It's all on the individual and what you deem as appropriate behavior, go with your gut and you will be fine, besides no one is perfect, right?

Some of my favorite things

A positive post today!

1. Hot tea, plain (black usually, Earl Grey is fine too) with sweetener, no funky flavored ones for me. Tea is better than dessert, love that stuff.

2. Target of course, the atmosphere is so comforting there.

3. Napping, I was born for siestas.

4. Walking in the woods, although I am not a true "outdoorsy" type, there's just something about being in the middle of nowhere with no one else around.

5. Reading, although I don't read as much as I used to, I still like to on occasion. I really do go through spurts with reading, sometimes I read a lot then I won't read anything for a few months.

6. Vodka, especially with Cranberry or OJ. Yum.

7. Trying new restaurants or even new recipes at home. I like experimenting with different types of food, although there are certain meats I won't touch (sorry I can't get into organ/game meats).

8. Travel, this is difficult for me because I like to experience new places/people/cultures but I don't like all the logistics that go into it (ie. planning) and I don't like super long trips. I still want to travel more though, mainly because it's fun! I just need someone else to plan it for me.

9. Latin American History/Culture. I find this history more fascinating than our own.

10. Writing of course, otherwise I wouldn't be writing this blog (although I don't like the research aspect of writing, I rather just write whatever comes out of my head).

Death is not what it seems

What do I know of death? A lot more than I should;however I couldn't say what happens to your "soul" or if there is a better life than this one, I am not psychic nor would I would lie to you about things I know nothing about. My beliefs don't fall into any category, it is a nice thought that an afterlife should exist but I don't feel any love other than for earthly beings, not the celestial kind. I don't want to get into the religious aspect of death because everyone should believe what they want, not what they are told to believe.

This is just my opinion though, so what brought up this morbid topic? Why a death in the family of course. My sister called me yesterday at work and told me our Great-Aunt Eleanor had passed over the weekend at the age of 92. 92! Please don't let me live that long, please. I am amazed I made it to 30, seriously. I had not seen her in many, many years. I knew her mainly from my childhood, as she and my mother seemed to be friends but once Aunt Eleanor remarried, she drifted apart from the family(strange how people in our family do this, we are not a close family). She was in the beginning stages of Alzheimer's, so it was a good thing she went when she did. Aunt Eleanor was the oldest of ten children and the two things I remember most about her were she was a coupon cutter and she liked to sew. I certainly didn't learn any type of frugality from her.

My sister asked if I could come to the funeral this weekend and I told her I didn't think I could. I have way too much stuff on my plate and it seems we said our goodbyes years ago. Is this rather cruel or selfish of me (yes to the selfish part)? Some may think so but I try to be practical about these things. Death doesn't bother me, nor do funerals for that matter, after all I have worked in a mortuary for years (well little children get to me). It's a process we go through and a part of life. Aunt Eleanor was just passing through this life and was a brief part of mine. I don't need to see her to say goodbye because I did that long ago.

Not Interested

How hard is it to say "not interested"? Is it really that difficult?

I must admit I am as guilty as the next person. You know what I am talking about, a friend mentions this restaurant he/she wants to check out and you say, "great, let's go", even if you don't mean it. Or perhaps, you have been on a date, minimal chemistry and at the end, he says the old, "I will call you", instead of "not interested" and you never hear from him again. "I will call you" is so much politer than saying "not interested". Why as a society must we pretend this politeness (although I don't really think it's polite)? We pretend that all is right in the world when it's not. "Not interested"?, we would never say such a thing!

Not interested, two words that seem so simple but so complex at the same time. A while ago, I had forged a new friendship with someone and things were fine(well maybe we had different opinions, but who doesn't?), then my friend decided to ignore my texts and subsequent email, so ignoring me is so much better than saying "not interested"? If I ever run into this person again, do I just pretend and be polite? No, I don't think so, the cold shoulder is so much better. Ignore the situation and it goes away, right?

Oh, I am not saying I am not guilty as everyone else because surely I am and perhaps I am writing this for my own sake, as a reminder that saying "not interested" is not really that difficult after all. Although, it may be blunt and less polite, is ignoring or pretending to want to follow through that much better? Try saying "not interested" next time you are in a situation you are "not interested" in and maybe you will start a new trend.

Conformity is detrimental to my health..

What does that mean?

I am a believer in individual thought and the individual must prevail. This is not to say I don't listen to other people because I do but I think we get all caught up in this thing called normalcy. Truthfully, what is normal? Something made up by some old white guy? Please, there is no such thing as normal, it's all the individual. Someone once told me there are "certain societal standards you must abide by", oh really and who controls this society that we live in? Oh yes, we must have rules to live by, otherwise there would be chaos but who are you to tell me I can't act like a child or express my opinion?

All my life, people have told me I am crazy or insane, which doesn't bother me but the funny thing is, I never once said to anyone "you are too white bread normal, shake it up baby" because it is not my thing to judge who you are or what you do. Whatever you do is on you and no one should ever tell you, who you can or cannot be. Conformity is detrimental to my health because it is not who I am. I am an individual, not someone who wants to be shaped or expected to live like every other American out there. I want to make my own rules, live my own life, that's all I ever wanted. I do follow rules, but only the ones that are law abiding(well most of the time) but I like to color those rules and make them my own. No one will ever tell me how to live my life because that is not who I am.

Conformity is detrimental to my health because it suffocates the individual and shapes you into being someone you are not. Live your life how you want to, not the way society expects you to. Live your life as an individual, not as someone who has conformed to what is deemed as normal. Normalcy is overrated, long live the individual. Do the unexpected, however unrealistic it may seem.

Insert Really Creative Title Here

I have trouble with coming up with creative titles, that & endings. I promise I will work on this.


The topic of the day? Cheating, not homework cheating either. The kind of cheating that can break your heart or mind. A divorced friend of mine confided in me that his/her spouse had cheated on him/her twice (well, that my friend knew about) within their marriage. I am sure there were other issues within the marriage but cheating is never the answer.

You want out? Just say the word and I am out, at least that's my philosophy. I am not against cheating for moral grounds (I am agnostic) but as a matter of principle and prior experience. When I was young and stupid, I was in a tumultuous relationship. My so-called boyfriend at the time, would ignore me and go out with other girls, which happened quite a few times. I thought I was in love, so I wanted to stay with him but love doesn't make a relationship. This went on for quite some time and then my neighbor came along. I knew he always had a thing for me and although I didn't want to be with him, I still slept with him. Why, there are a few reasons but mainly because I could. The opportunity presented itself and my boyfriend didn't seem to care. It didn't make me feel any better, nor was it right for that matter.

Now I realize our relationship was never great because my ex-boyfriend always wanted out but I was too blind to see it. I think some of us do put on blinders in a relationship and to me this was never a "real" relationship. I didn't have the feeling that I was worthy of something better, maybe we all felt that at one time. I have never been married, so I don't know what truly goes on in a marriage. I do know people evolve as well as relationships, whether for the good or the bad, however I don't believe cheating on anyone is ever the answer.

Oh, I realize there will always be temptation and flirtation but if you can't control yourself beyond that, then you may ask yourself why am I still with this person? Leaving is never easy but staying may be harder in the long run. I am not preaching to anyone, just venting and sharing my own experience because my friend, whether he or she believes it or not, deserves much better. I hope he/she finds someone as equally worthy as he/she is because the cheater is a moron (sorry I know that's not nice) and didn't realize what he/she had, until my friend decided to end the marriage.

It takes a lot of courage to end a relationship that is not working and I have to admire my friend, that although there were other reasons for the dissolve of the marriage, for staying as long as he/she did because I don't know if I could have. I am not comparing my experience to his/hers because they are nothing alike but I can relate on some level. I do know that this experience taught me, you must communicate with the other person, otherwise the other person does not know what your expectations are. The never knowing is a killer and the should I or shouldn't I, all the questions that come with the ending of the relationship, are never an easy task to bear but like I said previously, I don't know what goes on in a marriage nor was I directly involved in my friend's marriage.

I realize at times, I may share some really personal experiences but it's part of being a writer, right?, putting yourself out there, something I am slowly learning to do. I can only share my experience with you and that is, cheating is never the answer. You want out, then just go.

Ways to get on my good side

The title says it all:

1. Sense of humor, make me laugh and I am all yours.

2. Don't be pushy. I like my personal space thank you very much.

3. Communicate, I would rather someone be honest with me and tell me upfront, then leave me guessing.

4. Let me be who I am and don't be overly critical because you are not so perfect yourself.

5. Realize I am sensitive and don't assume that I have a thick skin because I really don't, despite my somewhat tough demeanor.

What can I say?

Today is short and sweet...

Expect the least and worst from people, then maybe you will receive the best.

Fun stuff (well maybe)

Getting to know me.

Ten Random Things You May Not Know About Me:

1. I am deathly afraid of heights.

2. I was rather "alternative" in college, wore flannels & hung out with the outside crowd, so you can say I was far from the sorority crowd.

3. I almost flunked out of my second semester of college. My mother thought it was because I partied too much, but looking back I would say I was depressed.

4. Red is my favorite color for a car (& yes I drive a red car!).

5. I eat peanut butter out of the jar, even though sometimes it makes my throat itch.

6. I rarely ever read the same book twice.

7. When I first attended college, I wanted to study Psychology but my mother talked me out of it because she thought I would do much better at Spanish. In the end, I ended up getting my English degree because I couldn't get past this one upper level Spanish class (didn't have the skills or inclination).

8. My last serious relationship was more than ten years ago. Of course I have dated but for whatever reason, nothing ever evolved. Maybe I am deficient in this area.

9. People sometimes think I am shy when I first meet them. Maybe I was shy when I was younger but not so much now. I think I am just very weary of people when I first meet them and it takes me a while to warm up to them.

10. When I was young, I always wanted green eyes. Back then, my eyes were dark brown, since then they have have turned a lighter brown, some call them hazel. Wonder what that's about? Weird genetic mutation or wishful thinking?

Confrontation

I don't enjoy confrontation, mainly because you never know how the other person is going to act. It can also be intimidating to confront people, although I have made it a point to never let anyone intimidate me because the first 18 years (ok maybe a little past 18) of my life were full of an intimidating mother. However, I have tried to move past that and I am much more assertive than I used to be. Maybe I am not always assertive in the right way but I know things will never change if I do not confront them.

This brings me to my dilemma, so how do I go about confronting the person living above me (she has lived here only a few months)? There have been several times, she has woken me up in the middle of night, stomping around, slamming stuff, etc. Saturday morning I was woken up at 2 a.m. and ended up staying up all night. Then Sunday night, she & her boyfriend were arguing so I had listen to that & was kept up intermittently throughout the night. I am not sure she realizes or even cares that anyone lives below her. It is unfortunate that her bedroom is right above mine and she is a heavy walker(stomping is more like it), which echoes more on hardwood floors. I don't believe she has put down any rugs, although that request is in the lease. So anyway, this evening I left a brief message on the apartment leasing office's phone, whether they care or not, I do not know. However, I am reluctant to confront this person because one, what if it makes the situation worse (and I have no authority over her), and two, I was in this situation once before & when I asked the person to not be so loud in the middle of the night, my request was ignored. So, I am at a crossroads here and will leave it in the apartment rental manager's hands, and if worse comes to worse, I can always move again (although I did not want to move until next summer). It is a wait and see situation, that may or not work in my favor. Hopefully, she will stop being such a heifer.