Thank you Beth

Thank you Beth for saying, "There's nothing wrong with you Krista". It was rather sweet of you to try to make me feel better and it did briefly help. I may have believed you for two minutes; but I still think there's something wrong with me. I guess I wouldn't be human if I thought I was perfect. So Beth, I appreciate you trying to cheer me up. Your kindness did not go unnoticed.

Suicide & the dead girl

Yeah, I know another morbid post but there's a reason for this I promise. At my work recently there have been a few suicides and a woman was also found in our park system, who had committed suicide. It's ironic that if I ever choose to end my life, I thought I would do it the same way this woman did but I would be more desolate about it, alone in death like in life (yes I truly do have somewhat of a plan if it ever comes to that).

I can't pretend to know what a person that committed suicide has went through because I don't know. Everyone's experience is individual. I don't know what every suicidal person feels and maybe no one will ever understand completely; however I can tell you what a person feels like when she is on the brink of suicide along with a failed attempt & some half-assed attempts. Yep, I had a failed suicide attempt. I won't go into the details of what happened but I was young & it made me very ill, so instead of dying, I got sick. Guess I am not very good at that sort of thing.

The teenage years, 18 and even into the early twenties are such fragile ages. No one ever tells you how hard life is. I remember Buffy (from Buffy the Vampire Slayer) telling her sister as Buffy goes off to save the world, "The hardest thing to do in this world is live in it." Deciding to live in this world is a hard thing but deciding to die is no easy task either.

Committing suicide takes guts. Sorry if people that have lost someone to suicide find this offensive. I am no way admiring (or advocating either) someone for taking his/her own life but saying it takes a lot of determination and sheer will to pull the trigger, put one's neck in the noose, drive the car off the cliff, or whatever method is chosen, that takes guts. It's not a choice to be taken lightly. It's final and dying isn't always so easy either, much like living.

I've been put down, laughed at, made fun of, made to feel like the most worthless person ever, heartbroken, unloved, stomped on, ostracized by my father, verbally assaulted by my mother, called more worthless names than I can count. At times it felt like the pain was infinite and would never go away. An ex once told me, the pain was in my head, well M. you are an asshole and fuck you. Yet, somehow I went on living, at least pretended like I was living. I went through the motions that everything was fine, even though I felt like a living dead girl, alive on the outside, dead on the inside. Pretending to be "alive" and happy is no easy task. There were even times I felt like I had nothing to lose, which can be dangerous indeed. I've been reckless, despondent, thought many times "this is it, I can't take it anymore" but I kept going for whatever reason. Maybe I thought things would get better or maybe I just stopped caring or maybe I just realized there are too many assholes in this world and some people need to be told to fuck off. Maybe I haven't reached my true breaking point yet. Maybe all my previous attempts were really not really attempts and I knew that life meant much more than dying.

No one can live for you and you can't live for anyone. If you want to stay alive, it has to be your choice. Maybe one day, I will feel like I have nothing to lose and I will succeed in an attempt. Truly I really don't know but I do know this, I am alive for today and that is what matters. I guess I am more resilient than I give myself credit for. And to all the people who have treated me like I was worthless and tried to break me, well Fuck You. Oh, and to all the people that I cared about but never gave a rat's ass about me in return, Fuck You too. Yeah, I said Fuck You.

Death

I know I talk about death a lot but I am surrounded by it, so I guess I can't help to think about it. Anyway, whenever I used to see a more worthy person than myself that died or a younger person that passed, I thought, why couldn't that have been me? My life is worth nothing, so why not give up my life for someone else's? Sometimes I still think that, like today. No one would really care if I died, so why not take me rather than someone else who has something to live for? It's a morbid concept but I am ok with it, as anyone should be.

Oh, is that a smile I see?

Really not in the mood to write today, still down with this little cold I have; however I feel that I should write something since it's been a few days since I posted.

It took me forever to realize this but sometimes my own happiness is not the most important thing. What I mean by this is, I think I feel better when I make other people laugh and happy, which in turn makes me happy. Maybe for some of you this is not a new concept but for me it is, mainly because I grew up in a household where anger & unhappiness lived. It is only when I surrounded myself with more positive people & influences that I found being happy is much better than being angry or depressed all the time. Attitude is everything and my own happiness only comes from how I perceive the world to be and how I can make others around me happy. I know there are lost causes out there, people I will never be able to make happy but I can't worry about them. I know I tend to be snarky, bitchy, cranky, etc sometimes but I like to think that does not encompass my whole being nor does it make me an unhappy person. I wear many faces, just wait 15 minutes and another one will appear.

All I ever wanted in my life was to be happy but it's funny because that's when I was at my lowest point. No one can make you happy, you have to do it yourself. Look at the people around you, who are your true friends and true family? (sorry I don't believe blood automatically makes you "family", just my opinion). The people you let into your life, are the people that are a part of your personal well being. I always say I am my best when I am alone but that's not always true because there are some things you can't do alone. In fact, sometimes being alone is the worst thing I can do for myself. The point of all this? Surround yourself with people who make you happy and who love you as you are. It's really that simple, rid yourself of the negative influences and make it a point to make others laugh, you in turn will find yourself a much happier person.

Not a supermodel

Beginnings are always the hardest because the beginning has to be the best in order to hold the reader's attention. Maybe this story won't be that fascinating or unique but I count it as an odd happening in my life. We all have those odd moments, where we say to ourselves, "Did that really just happen?" or "What was that?" or "I don't get it." The latter one is totally me, most of the time. There are things I just don't get it and what I find odd, someone takes a whole different view on it.

Several years ago, when I was younger and more attractive looking, I stopped at the grocery store on my way home from work. It was a chilly, spring evening and I wore my camel colored winter coat. As I entered the store, I grabbed a carry basket rather than a grocery cart because I hate pushing grocery carts. I find it annoying to be maneuvering a cranky object around aisles and other people. I noticed a man in his 40's with dark rimmed glasses, black hair, rather ordinary looking picking out flowers.

I am not one of these people that meanders around grocery stores for long periods of time. I grabbed the usual carrots,broccoli and chicken and entered the express check out line. I noticed the same gentleman I saw as I had entered the store, in another line. I paid for my purchases and left the store. As I was putting my bags in the trunk of my car, the dark haired man was waiting in his black Saab and drove over by my car. I thought, "should I run away?" but I stayed by the trunk of my car to see what he would do. He got out of his vehicle and proceeded to give me the flowers. I was bewildered but took them, then I asked him, "Why are you giving these to me?". He responded and shrugged, "It was a promise I made to someone long ago." I was still puzzled but managed to say, "Thank you." He drove away and I never saw him again.

I can't recall if I kept the flowers or not but the whole incident baffled me. The next day at work, I told a few co-workers what happened. One colleague, who I will call T. for privacy, said, "That is something that only happens to supermodels." Ok, I know I am not a supermodel nor have I ever professed to anyone that I think I am stunning because I know I am not. I guess to some people this story may come across as bragging but that was never my intent. I just thought the whole thing was strange and I still wonder what this guy meant by, "It was a promise I made to someone long ago." It makes me sad to think there's this lonely guy fulfilling some long ago promise. Maybe he lost someone or he feels like he has to make up for his misdeeds. I really don't know but I do hope he has found happiness or whatever he was looking to achieve.

Supermodels aren't the only ones that deserve flowers and this guy wasn't looking for a supermodel. It was just a chance that two ordinary people crossed paths at the same time. That's all it was. This guy had his reasons for giving me flowers, whatever they may be and they are his own. and yes T. I know I am no supermodel. I promise this incident didn't go to my head.

The Best Relationship I ever had (Thus Far)

Absolut Vodka. Never left me, never will but my heart belongs to Bud Light as well. Long lasting but complicated. Everything's complicated isn't it and aren't all relationships complicated? but they don't have to be. I love you both but I am afraid I have been neglecting you. Time to reacquaint myself with your pleasures. Maybe not at the same time but we will have time together. Soon. I hope at least. Me, Absolut & Bud Light, a menage a trois on a dark, cold night. Then you will leave but you always come back. What a romance we have. Like most romances it is complicated but this will last. I promise you. Absolut & Bud Light you are mine forever. Love you always.