Childhood

Can one truly reconcile one's past with the present life?? Can one overcome childhood obstacles and transform oneself into someone else?? I ask the questions because I wonder about my own childhood and how I became who I am. I grew up in Appalachia, a desolate, grungy island stuck in poverty and backwoods ideas. Appalachia isn't really an island but it feels like it because one is so far removed from the outside world.

I knew my whole life growing up there, I never belonged there or in my family. I was too outspoken, too quiet,too different, not caucasian enough looking (even though I am caucasian). Being in such an isolated area, there is no diversity, one cultural idea exists and that is of the people who toiled in the earth and lived there for generations. There is no idea of expansion or of integration. Life is stagnant, not ever changing. I grew up alone, tried to forge friendships, maybe had 3 dates in high school and not even a date for the senior prom. I didn't belong and still don't.

I observed, I learned and knew who I didn't want to be and that was to live in that existence, that place I called home. I cannot go back to the run down homes, that may or may not have plumbing, yards with multiple rusted out vehicles , a crestfallen sky hidden behind rolling hills, hills much like mountains, and an unhabitable river that is certainly not the pride of such an area. It is a life with unrecognized potential and dreams, hopeless. It can truly suck the life out of oneself. At times, it almost ended mine.

I did get out though, unlike many I know. I was one of the lucky ones because I had to keep telling myself, this isn't forever and there is something better out there. So, I went away to college and on occasion visit, now my visits are once a year, it is all I can really handle. I am not proud of where I came from and at times, I am ashamed of it. When I look at old pictues of those days, I don't even recognize myself because I have transformed and became who I was supposed to be. My Appalachian accent is barely detectable, although I do sometimes fall back into it, my appearance has changed dramatically, I am no longer that backwoods country girl, and I am well educated, not only through academics but have made friends of many different cultural backgrounds.

The point of this post is not to brag, or even to say, that I have become this great person because I still have not reached my greatest potential. The point is, one can move beyond one's circumstances in life and transform oneself. This is not to say, one needs to deny the past but embrace and accept it for what it was, which was a great learning experience.

Will I ever learn?

Will I ever learn? I am so bent on self-destruction. It seems I am powerless against it. Every relationship, friendship, family, I have methodically destroyed beyond repair. I really am no good as a person. I don't know how to be in relationships with people, I don't seem to know anything. Is there any level of normalcy? Why do things have to be so difficult? It feels as I can do nothing right, so I resort to drinking and things progressively get worse. Anytime I try to repair ties with people, it never goes the way I want it to and to be fair, I have not tried too hard with my family. I feel so alone all the time and the only thing I have is my writing. I am so tired of it, so I do dumb things because I feel like nothing. I am no one really. I deserve whatever punishment comes my way.

Maybe this is typical human behavior, maybe there is nothing wrong with me but I know there has to be, because people always leave me. Then again, it is much easier to close people out, rather than let them in. I feel as if I will always be alone and I am sure I deserve nothing less than the place I am presently located.

Love, that elusive other

Love, that elusive other, that some strive to find or run the hell away from it. If one is smart, one avoids at all costs because as wonderful as love can be, it can also be an unending suffering. Love has eluded me for so long, I wonder, what if, am I really missing anything? I don't know but there comes a point one doesn't care because it no longer matters. The longer you live without something, the easier it becomes. or at least that is what I tell myself, at least to get through the day.

Why do we suffer for something that cannot be properly described? Is this feeling really all in our heads or is there something more to it? No doubt, I have felt love, mostly unconditional love toward dogs and cats because that is so much easier. Family is an entirely different matter, I feel no love toward them, that is a long dramatic story, not even totally relevant here but it does partly explain why I am so disillusioned with this fabulous thing we call love. The other reason I am so disillusioned? Well, past experience of course.

Shall I tell you how disillusioned I really am? Well, why not? My first two serious boyfriends dumped me for other girls, meaning that I wasn't the one for them, whatever that means. Neither one of them were very gutsy about it, one told me over the phone and the other refused to speak to me ever again. So, despite this, I trudged on, fell in love again, with someone not available, we were friends but that is all it ever was and he married someone else. I tried again but this time he moved away, without telling me and then came back into my life a year later. I couldn't forgive him. I have tried again and again, I was serious with a few more guys and then one day I just gave up. Of course, I have dated, here and there but nothing has panned out. I just keeping getting burned and burned even more. Anytime, I seem to like someone, well it seems he prefers someone else over me.

I used to think there was something wrong with me, but maybe there really isn't. Maybe I just give too much and no one really gives a rat's ass. I have been told, I am too dependent(far from it actually), not the marrying kind (what is this exactly?), and god knows what else, people think of me. Maybe I am too weird and people can't handle that. I know I intimidate a lot of people, but that is because I am strong minded and know how to handle myself. I absolutely refuse to be intimidated by anyone but love seems to intimidate me. I admit I am fearful of it and scared to try it again, but I am not giving up completely on it. I am flawed and no one is completely flawless. You just have to realize what your limitations are and how many flaws you are willing to accept. I never said I was perfect and maybe that is the great thing about love, it is not perfect. It is as flawed as we are.

So anyway...

I know I promised to be update this blog more and I will in the future. I feel like I kind of am in rut as far as writing. My snark seems gone and my opinions deflated, so anyway, I do have something I want to talk about but I need to formulate my thoughts a bit more before I post anything. In all actuality, I am just posting these few sentences now to remind myself to keep this thing updated! So anyway... that's my thought for the day, make of it what you will.

Thank you & Sorrow

Thank you to all the firemen/women, policemen/women, military personnel and other government agencies that have and continue to protect us all everyday. I neither have your worth, heart or strength to do what you do, so thank you for doing what I cannot.

To all those that lost loved ones in the 9/11 attacks and subsequent wars, I cannot fathom your sorrow. My thoughts and heart are with you on this difficult day.

I can only hope that there will be peace in this world, a little more love, a little less hate, a little more empathy but that may be too much to ask. Much love to everyone reading this today.

No, I didn't forget about you, blog.

I really didn't forget about this blog but either out of general laziness or perhaps, even despair, I have not been on here. Of course, it could just be I haven't been inclined to write either. It is not like I have been terribly busy or anything exciting has happened to me. The most exciting things that happen are usually not the truth. One big change in my life though,is I quit my part-time job at the mortuary. Yes, I quit that place after so long of a time. It was time to go and I feel it was holding me back from other things, like moving forward or maybe that was just an excuse on my part.

Of course, that thought that I wanted to quit had been implanted in my mind for quite some time. Maybe, no I know, what definitely put the plan into place was when I went to New Mexico back in May. I met a random stranger at a bar, I can't recall his name, anyway he was talking about being burned out from his job and was just working part-time while going to school. Maybe I didn't have a true burn out moment but I realized this job was holding me back and I was holding myself back from whatever the future is supposed to be, so I quit. I am little freaked out about budget constraints and the lack of extra money, however it is causing me to think that there are other far more interesting ways to make money and I just have to be creative. Besides, it is just money and now I have the weekends to myself, so there is absolutely no excuse for me not to keep up with this blog. Yes, I will be back soon. I am so done with excuses. Living the life everyday and making the most of whatever it is what I am supposed to be doing. See you soon.

Much Obliged

I am not a deeply religious person, but I don't think one has to be religious in order to appreciate certain aspects of life. Although, I am not always optimistic, sometimes I think it helps to write down things that we appreciate. That said, for today, I am much obliged to the following:

1. Sunshine. Spring is truly on the horizon. Winters are too long, snowy and dreary here. A bit of sunshine always perks me up, even though it may be still a bit chilly.

2. Friends. I wouldn't make it through my life without them. I know I am not always the easiest person to deal with & I can be quite contrary, so I am glad that I have friends that see through my exterior.

3. Living in the US. I may bitch about taxes, the government and other wrongful things but I am happy that I live in a land where people have opportunity and there is not a bleak horizon. We are very fortunate to live in a place, although not perfect, that allows us to live a somewhat peaceful existence.

4. Education. I am fortunate that I have had the opportunity to complete at least one college degree and I am slowly working on another. Although, I feel like giving up on the graduate degree, I know I should finish it because one, I have come this far, & two, I am very lucky that I have had the chance to pursue the second degree. Not everyone has had the educational opportunities that I have been given. I also realize opportunities aren't always given but sometimes they must be earned. Education is a difficult pursuit but we are always learning, aren't we? Even if we don't all pursue higher advanced degrees, educate yourself in other ways, whether through traveling, reading, etc.

So, today I am much obliged for the above, although I should be grateful for everything that I have because I have so much more than other people. Good weather, education, friends, and living in the US, at this point, what more could I ask for? Don't get me wrong, there are days I wish for more, but then I realize,just appreciate what I have. Things may get better or they may get worse & I have no control over that. So for today, I will be optimistic,less envious, and that is all I can ask of myself.

Taxes-In Government We Trust

People say taxes are a necessary evil but are they really? Our government seems to take more and more from good citizens but what are the limits? It doesn't seem like the government wants to live within their means or even budget our dollars, which we so freely give them; however if a citizen doesn't live within his/her means and our payments are late, we get fined of course. Big government what are you teaching our society, if anything? Is living in excess really living?

Like any good citizen, I filed my taxes this year. On my W-4 forms, I have 0, which means the government is supposed to take out more money but every year, I owe our state government (and local city, but I will get to that in a minute). Usually, I get a little back from Federal to pay the state but that didn't happen this year, instead I owe the federal government $3.00, yes you read that right. I laughed and then I thought about this, what am I doing wrong on my taxes? Probably nothing, truthfully, I am penalized because I am single, no kids, not a homeowner & I work two jobs. Even though both of my jobs individually take enough taxes out, when both amounts are added together, the government sees massive dollar signs and decides I owe them money. Does this even make sense? Why should my total income, even though it was earned separately put me in a higher tax bracket? Isn't there a better way to figure out this outdated, broken tax system? No, of course not, I love giving away almost 30% of my income to a government that cannot even manage their own finances! Money should say, "In Government We Trust" because that is who we as a society put our trust into but how much trust should we put into them?

My state government has decided I owe them around $250.00, oh really, last I checked I worked, lived, and spent money here. I already paid you taxes but I owe you more? So, what do you want next from me, blood or perhaps a kidney? The only thing we don't pay taxes on is food (unless it is take out food from a restaurant)? So how much of my money am I really giving? Should I keep all my receipts to prove to you that I do pay more taxes on material goods and other such items? Oh, if I purchase anything from out of state, my state wants me to pay them a USE tax, even though I bought the item from another state, I have to pay my state tax on it (even if I already paid tax on it from another state). Really? The item was not made or distributed here, how is that even legal?

Then there is the local income tax, which is probably the most troublesome of all. I work in one city but live in another. Both of my employers take out taxes for the city I work in but they don't take out taxes where I live. As I said previously, I am not a homeowner but the city where I live, insists that anyone living within their limits must pay taxes. Now I pay my landlord rent and he pays the city taxes out of that rent, shouldn't that be sufficient? No, of course not! Guess how much credit I get for paying taxes for my working city? 1%!!! Yes, so generous of them. My city also insists that 90% of 2010 taxes be paid by January 31, 2011. Most people barely even have their W-2 forms by then, so an estimate of taxes can only be paid. If one doesn't pay by the end of January, then a $25.00 late fee is imposed. I am not sure how this city gets away with this because I don't understand how it is even legal to expect citizens to pay for taxes that haven't been filed yet & the city's website even says we have in until April 2011 to file taxes, so how can they charge a late fee on taxes that haven't been filed? And why are renters paying taxes that landlords already pay? Allegedly, we are paying for police, fire, & other public services (my total per month if my employers were to take it out, in the city I live comes to about $40.00 a month). Truthfully, I pay almost as much in local taxes if not more, than I do for state taxes. It is truly baffling to me.

So, all these tax issues have made me think about where is my money really going & do I want to give it away so freely? I know I am always going to have to pay taxes in some form but there are things I can do to cut down on my tax paying. One, stop spending so much money. That's easier said than done but think how much you pay on taxes on items you buy. Two, move out of the city (and possibly the county), I live in. We probably one of the highest, if not the highest taxed counties in our state(not much confidence in this county because there has been massive political corruption here). Three, possibly move to another state, where there is no state income tax. These are doable actions but the biggest move has to come from me and I have to make a decision on where my money is going to do the most good and that is in my bank account. Big government, take note, I will keep as much as my money to myself. I will not cheat or lie on my tax forms but I would like for you to take some things under consideration as well. One, our tax system needs to be revamped and two, learn to budget, we must all live within our means and you are not exempt from this.

Annoyance and the Positive

I really was trying to make this blog a more positive place but it is not completely possible to be positive all the time is it? I realize I am not the most forgiving person. There are times, I am unreasonable and my actions may seem over the top; however keep this in mind, just because I am civil and somewhat friendly to someone, it does not mean I have forgiven this person or forgotten what happened. There are some things you cannot change and even though my actions are civil, it does not mean I am willingly letting this person back into my life. It also does not mean we are friends because the only way for us to be friends is, if we were to start all over again. We both know that is not possible. I am not sure why this person wants to be in my life or wants to be friends again, but whatever his/her reasons are, I find them suspect because either this person feels guilt or there is another reason I am not seeing. Maybe he/she wants things to be as before but that won't happen because one, I am hard headed and two, I really don't need this person in my life. I am sorry if this is disappointing to this person but he/she really shouldn't have hurt me. I won't tell this to person to fuck off, as much as I would like to because honestly he/she is not a bad person but I won't allow myself to be hurt again. Forgiveness is never an easy thing, but holding a grudge is never good either; however it is much easier to not have someone in one's life, then it is having he/she there. I don't want to feel jealous or angry or annoyed but that is how I feel and like anything that will pass (on my terms) and I will move beyond that. So for now, I pretend and am civil, it makes it much easier for peace and I am a better person for it. And that is the absolute truth.

Thanks for screwing me once again Cuyahoga County

Before I start my rant, I know I should be a better law abiding citizen but that is not the point. Last July, I received a speeding ticket (42 in a 25 zone). I paid the ticket but only after waiting FIVE days to find out the cost. The Cuyahoga County Clerk of Courts phone system is ass backwards, one can never get through and at that time there was no way to leave a message. Instead of fighting the ticket, I just paid it because I knew I was in the wrong. Fast forward to recently on my insurance policy, I noticed an Assured Clear Distance violation on my policy, so I called the insurance company and was told to get my record from the BMV. I received the record and there it said Assured Clear Distance on my record. I emailed the BMV and was told to contact the Court. After an almost twenty minute hold (no their phone system has not changed for the better), I spoke to a Ryan, who proceeded to put me on hold once again (don't get me started on the name Ryan, they have all been aholes to me). I explained the situation politely and Ryan advised me that the Assured Clear Distance and Speeding Ticket are written as the same. Really? There was absolutely no one in front of me when the ticket was issued, I wouldn't have had a problem stopping if necessary because there was no one there! Empty road, holiday weekend, everyone had left work early except me. I tried explaining to him that my insurance company charges me more for this type of ticket but they really don't give a flying fuck. Seriously. I just ended up hanging up on him.

So, thank you City of Cleveland for being in bed with the Insurance companies because not only are you lining your own corrupt pockets but the Insurance companies as well. What a scam. And don't get me started on the "traffic camera" speeding violation I had because there wasn't a sign there to indicate you had such a camera in operation. It is really no wonder that people are FLEEING this city and the state for that matter. There is enough corruption in the world but to deal with it on a local level it is not worth the hassle (oh and that goes for you overblown city taxes , how much are both the city of Lakewood and Cleveland making off of me this year but that's another rant) but yet you cry poor and treat your citizens like they are nothing and their opinions don't matter. Rules are rules but that doesn't mean I have to abide by yours because I have a choice not to live here. Really, who wants to live in a city which reeks of corruption and takes advantage of citizens that are trying to survive and get by on what little they have? Overall, it doesn't matter what I say, because you will continue to do what you do, I have no power over what you do but I certainly have power over what I do and that is to leave sooner rather than later, if it comes down to that, then I will. Maybe some will say, I shouldn't speed and I can't disagree with that; however, I do expect fair treatment and saying a speeding ticket is an assured clear distance violation is a muddied version of the truth.

Academy Awards Thoughts

Yes, I am a little late on the Academy Awards feedback, so what I am about to say is not totally original. There were no surprises, although I was hoping there would be some shockers. First, how obnoxious is Melissa Leo? and that was one hideous dress. Ok, now I got that out of the way. I tuned in and out of the awards throughout the night, so I wasn't glued to the couch, so there were speeches and awards I missed.

As far as the hosts, well, everyone always says how horrible the hosts are but in their defense, how much can you entertain people over a 3 hour period? I can't imagine doing a speech for ten minutes, let alone trying to please such a vast audience. Maybe the Academy should recognize itself for what it is, which is an ego fest and quit trying so hard. The skits and such just come across as desperate and juvenile. If you really want to shake it up, then why not have all the actor nominees come dressed in character? After all, they are nominated for the characters they played on film, so why not come dressed in character? I wonder if anyone has ever done that? I am mostly kidding(well maybe).

Anne Hathaway reminds of a better version of Julia Roberts. They don't look exactly alike but they do remind me of one another. I want to like Anne but I have a hard time with her for various reasons, much like Julia (I don't find Anne nearly as obnoxious as Julia though). James Franco, maybe you need to slow down and realize you can't do everything. What happened to that charming stoner in Pineapple Express that I adored? I don't think Anne or James were completely at fault for the snoozefest because honestly, the Academy just needs to shorten the program.

The most sincere recipients (that I saw) were Aaron Sorkin (screenwriter for The Social Network) and David Seidler (screenwriter for The King's Speech). I especially loved what David Seidler said about being a late bloomer. It is the behind the scenes people that make these films work and to see them so happy is really nice. The actors, directors and producers get the most praise (and prestige) but without the writers and everyone else, the films wouldn't get made. I missed Luke Matheny's speech (he was winner of Best Short Film Action), so I need to see if I can find it somewhere. I heard his speech was very nice. I was also glad to see Inception won for Cinematography, Sound Mixing, Sound Editing, & Visual Effects.

As far as what the ladies wore, no one stood out for me. I did like Natalie Portman's dress because I do love purple and I thought it was a bit different. She is a beautiful girl but somewhat annoying. I thought Anne Hathaway's dresses (that cream one was divine) onstage were much better than what she wore on the red carpet. Halle looked lovely as always (does she ever look bad?) and I can't believe Penelope Cruz just had a baby (really good genes and a lot of discipline). No one looked awful though, except Melissa Leo's dress and Sharon Stone didn't look great either. Not a terribly exciting fashion fest though.

Lastly, I must mention the presenters. How much do I love Robert Downey Jr.? He is charming, funny and adorable. I can't wait for Sherlock Holmes 2. I also thought Russell Brand & Helen Mirren were cute. Helen is so elegant, if I could only be as sophisticated as she is. Kirk Douglas just made me sad and I would rather just leave it at that. It will be interesting if the Academy decides to make any changes next year or if they will keep trying the same old stodgy format. I am so glad I don't have to be in the audience to sit through it because I would be quite tanked by the end of the show.

The Oscars

I am certainly no expert on the Oscars nor a movie guru for that matter; however for once, I have actually seen 4 of the 10 movies nominated for Best Picture. My thoughts are as follows:

Winters Bone

It is my opinion that Winters Bone would probably not have been nominated if the old system still existed, where only 5 movies had the honor instead of 10. It's a small, subtle, very gritty film. The movie moves rather slow and it is the story of not only a girl trying to find her father but how she comes to terms with the adult she has to be. Family is sometimes all you have. I grew up in Appalachia and even though this film is set in Arkansas, I knew people like those portrayed in the film, hard, poor, knowing nothing else but their own existence.There is a sadness and despair in this movie that only people that have lived it, know what it is like. The cast that was chosen lived these characters, they were these people that knew nothing else but what was in front of them, no hope other than living day to day.

It is not the most exciting film but it is heartbreaking and Jennifer Lawrence and John Hawkes (who I did not recognize from his other work) are excellent. They both deserve their nominations, especially John Hawkes. Is TearDrop (John Hawkes' character), good, bad, where is heart, what makes him tick? Teardrop is one of the most intriguing and fascinating characters of all the movies I have seen this year. Does he have a chance against Christian Bale or Geoffrey Rush? Probably not. Does this movie have a chance to win Best Picture? Probably not but nonetheless it is a fascinating character study and it is very much a character driven movie. Interesting little film.

True Grit

I love westerns, always have. I must have been a cowgirl or cowboy along the way. I have never seen the original True Grit, so my opinion is only based on this version. I was intrigued with this movie up until the end, then it fell flat for whatever reason. Jeff Bridges and Hailee Steinfeld did a fine job in their roles. Matt Damon, well the mustache was distracting and Matt always looks so wholesome and good, so whenever I see him in "bad" guy roles, he creeps me out, seriously. I had to turn off the The Talented Mr Ripley because he was so creepy, but I guess that's a sign he's a good actor if he can turn his all American good looks into someone repulsive. The movie kept my interest and the actors were fine but it lacked a certain punch for me. I think it's a fine enough film and I would watch it again because it held my interest. As for winning an oscar for Best Picture, not sure on that one, probably not.

The King's Speech

Did you ever feel that a movie was too perfect? Well, this is how I felt about The King's Speech. I love Colin Firth and he was perfect in this role, as were Geoffrey Rush and Helena Bonham Carter. This is the type of movie made for the oscar crowd and it's almost too perfect, everything from the plot, the script, the actors is just right, of course you can't upset royalty, so I guess it's best to show them in the most flattering light. Don't get me wrong, I like the film but I did I love it? That's debatable, it kept my interest, it's a finely made film, and it has a good message but I am not sure I would watch it again. Perfection can sometimes be boring and there were times, I wished it would end. I think the most fascinating part was watching the banter between Guy Pearce (the "bad" king) and Colin Firth. Maybe I need to watch it again to see if I can catch any flaws. Will it win Best Picture? Very likely. It's that type of movie. Will Colin Firth win? Very likely and he deserves it, he's both a gentleman (well he seems to be) and an excellent actor.

Inception

I watched Inception when it came out last July and watched it again recently. Where does reality begin or does it ever begin? Are we dreaming now? More questions than answers to ponder. There were elements that could have been better but overall it's an excellent film. It is not a film without flaws but it is a film most people would want to watch again. If you only have watched this film once, then do yourself a favor and watch it again. I felt one weak spot was Ellen Page. I do like her as an actress but I felt her character was out of place here, I don't know why. I think a flaw in some of Nolan's films are his female characters feel out of character and don't flow as well, I don't know how to explain it really. Leo and the rest of the cast worked well together but she seemed disjointed, as if she was just thrown in to be a heroine & competing for a place among the boys (I loved Tom Hardy's character, can't wait to see Tom in more things). Despite my minor quibble here, I still love the movie. Does this film have a chance at winning best picture? Maybe if somehow The Social Network and The King's Speech, split the votes, but the chances are slim and Inception isn't really "oscar" material is it? Not the type of film the Academy deems as "proper" film achievement I suppose. Inception and Shutter Island (which wasn't nominated) were two of my favorite movies last year. I am not saying they were the best made movies but overall fascinating and that's what counts for me, not what the Academy thinks or what a critic feels. Watch what you like, no one will think you the lesser for it.

To live without passion is to die with nothing.

Not sure where that quote came from, if anywhere or if I am just making up stuff. It's a new year and some people think of this as a new start. I don't think I have ever started my life completely over, made small changes along the way but I have never waited for the new year to implement those changes. My plan this year? Get through with school, continue my eating plan regiment, kick the negative people out of my life (yeah really), and then who knows? My life will continue as it always has. I am not sure where I will end up at the end of the year but I cannot be worried about that now. The point of this is not to worry, not to sit around and just wait for things to happen. I have lived my life the best I know how at this point in my life. Small changes happen along the way and do not generally happen overnight (well unless a major catastrophe happens, then that's a big change). The point of this all? Don't wait for a new year to make changes, stop making excuses, live your life the best you know how, do everything in your own power to make you happy, live your life with passion, otherwise you have nothing in the end.