Will I ever learn? I am so bent on self-destruction. It seems I am powerless against it. Every relationship, friendship, family, I have methodically destroyed beyond repair. I really am no good as a person. I don't know how to be in relationships with people, I don't seem to know anything. Is there any level of normalcy? Why do things have to be so difficult? It feels as I can do nothing right, so I resort to drinking and things progressively get worse. Anytime I try to repair ties with people, it never goes the way I want it to and to be fair, I have not tried too hard with my family. I feel so alone all the time and the only thing I have is my writing. I am so tired of it, so I do dumb things because I feel like nothing. I am no one really. I deserve whatever punishment comes my way.
Maybe this is typical human behavior, maybe there is nothing wrong with me but I know there has to be, because people always leave me. Then again, it is much easier to close people out, rather than let them in. I feel as if I will always be alone and I am sure I deserve nothing less than the place I am presently located.
Sunday, October 16, 2011
Sunday, October 9, 2011
Love, that elusive other
Love, that elusive other, that some strive to find or run the hell away from it. If one is smart, one avoids at all costs because as wonderful as love can be, it can also be an unending suffering. Love has eluded me for so long, I wonder, what if, am I really missing anything? I don't know but there comes a point one doesn't care because it no longer matters. The longer you live without something, the easier it becomes. or at least that is what I tell myself, at least to get through the day.
Why do we suffer for something that cannot be properly described? Is this feeling really all in our heads or is there something more to it? No doubt, I have felt love, mostly unconditional love toward dogs and cats because that is so much easier. Family is an entirely different matter, I feel no love toward them, that is a long dramatic story, not even totally relevant here but it does partly explain why I am so disillusioned with this fabulous thing we call love. The other reason I am so disillusioned? Well, past experience of course.
Shall I tell you how disillusioned I really am? Well, why not? My first two serious boyfriends dumped me for other girls, meaning that I wasn't the one for them, whatever that means. Neither one of them were very gutsy about it, one told me over the phone and the other refused to speak to me ever again. So, despite this, I trudged on, fell in love again, with someone not available, we were friends but that is all it ever was and he married someone else. I tried again but this time he moved away, without telling me and then came back into my life a year later. I couldn't forgive him. I have tried again and again, I was serious with a few more guys and then one day I just gave up. Of course, I have dated, here and there but nothing has panned out. I just keeping getting burned and burned even more. Anytime, I seem to like someone, well it seems he prefers someone else over me.
I used to think there was something wrong with me, but maybe there really isn't. Maybe I just give too much and no one really gives a rat's ass. I have been told, I am too dependent(far from it actually), not the marrying kind (what is this exactly?), and god knows what else, people think of me. Maybe I am too weird and people can't handle that. I know I intimidate a lot of people, but that is because I am strong minded and know how to handle myself. I absolutely refuse to be intimidated by anyone but love seems to intimidate me. I admit I am fearful of it and scared to try it again, but I am not giving up completely on it. I am flawed and no one is completely flawless. You just have to realize what your limitations are and how many flaws you are willing to accept. I never said I was perfect and maybe that is the great thing about love, it is not perfect. It is as flawed as we are.
Why do we suffer for something that cannot be properly described? Is this feeling really all in our heads or is there something more to it? No doubt, I have felt love, mostly unconditional love toward dogs and cats because that is so much easier. Family is an entirely different matter, I feel no love toward them, that is a long dramatic story, not even totally relevant here but it does partly explain why I am so disillusioned with this fabulous thing we call love. The other reason I am so disillusioned? Well, past experience of course.
Shall I tell you how disillusioned I really am? Well, why not? My first two serious boyfriends dumped me for other girls, meaning that I wasn't the one for them, whatever that means. Neither one of them were very gutsy about it, one told me over the phone and the other refused to speak to me ever again. So, despite this, I trudged on, fell in love again, with someone not available, we were friends but that is all it ever was and he married someone else. I tried again but this time he moved away, without telling me and then came back into my life a year later. I couldn't forgive him. I have tried again and again, I was serious with a few more guys and then one day I just gave up. Of course, I have dated, here and there but nothing has panned out. I just keeping getting burned and burned even more. Anytime, I seem to like someone, well it seems he prefers someone else over me.
I used to think there was something wrong with me, but maybe there really isn't. Maybe I just give too much and no one really gives a rat's ass. I have been told, I am too dependent(far from it actually), not the marrying kind (what is this exactly?), and god knows what else, people think of me. Maybe I am too weird and people can't handle that. I know I intimidate a lot of people, but that is because I am strong minded and know how to handle myself. I absolutely refuse to be intimidated by anyone but love seems to intimidate me. I admit I am fearful of it and scared to try it again, but I am not giving up completely on it. I am flawed and no one is completely flawless. You just have to realize what your limitations are and how many flaws you are willing to accept. I never said I was perfect and maybe that is the great thing about love, it is not perfect. It is as flawed as we are.
Wednesday, September 21, 2011
So anyway...
I know I promised to be update this blog more and I will in the future. I feel like I kind of am in rut as far as writing. My snark seems gone and my opinions deflated, so anyway, I do have something I want to talk about but I need to formulate my thoughts a bit more before I post anything. In all actuality, I am just posting these few sentences now to remind myself to keep this thing updated! So anyway... that's my thought for the day, make of it what you will.
Sunday, September 11, 2011
Thank you & Sorrow
Thank you to all the firemen/women, policemen/women, military personnel and other government agencies that have and continue to protect us all everyday. I neither have your worth, heart or strength to do what you do, so thank you for doing what I cannot.
To all those that lost loved ones in the 9/11 attacks and subsequent wars, I cannot fathom your sorrow. My thoughts and heart are with you on this difficult day.
I can only hope that there will be peace in this world, a little more love, a little less hate, a little more empathy but that may be too much to ask. Much love to everyone reading this today.
To all those that lost loved ones in the 9/11 attacks and subsequent wars, I cannot fathom your sorrow. My thoughts and heart are with you on this difficult day.
I can only hope that there will be peace in this world, a little more love, a little less hate, a little more empathy but that may be too much to ask. Much love to everyone reading this today.
Monday, September 5, 2011
No, I didn't forget about you, blog.
I really didn't forget about this blog but either out of general laziness or perhaps, even despair, I have not been on here. Of course, it could just be I haven't been inclined to write either. It is not like I have been terribly busy or anything exciting has happened to me. The most exciting things that happen are usually not the truth. One big change in my life though,is I quit my part-time job at the mortuary. Yes, I quit that place after so long of a time. It was time to go and I feel it was holding me back from other things, like moving forward or maybe that was just an excuse on my part.
Of course, that thought that I wanted to quit had been implanted in my mind for quite some time. Maybe, no I know, what definitely put the plan into place was when I went to New Mexico back in May. I met a random stranger at a bar, I can't recall his name, anyway he was talking about being burned out from his job and was just working part-time while going to school. Maybe I didn't have a true burn out moment but I realized this job was holding me back and I was holding myself back from whatever the future is supposed to be, so I quit. I am little freaked out about budget constraints and the lack of extra money, however it is causing me to think that there are other far more interesting ways to make money and I just have to be creative. Besides, it is just money and now I have the weekends to myself, so there is absolutely no excuse for me not to keep up with this blog. Yes, I will be back soon. I am so done with excuses. Living the life everyday and making the most of whatever it is what I am supposed to be doing. See you soon.
Of course, that thought that I wanted to quit had been implanted in my mind for quite some time. Maybe, no I know, what definitely put the plan into place was when I went to New Mexico back in May. I met a random stranger at a bar, I can't recall his name, anyway he was talking about being burned out from his job and was just working part-time while going to school. Maybe I didn't have a true burn out moment but I realized this job was holding me back and I was holding myself back from whatever the future is supposed to be, so I quit. I am little freaked out about budget constraints and the lack of extra money, however it is causing me to think that there are other far more interesting ways to make money and I just have to be creative. Besides, it is just money and now I have the weekends to myself, so there is absolutely no excuse for me not to keep up with this blog. Yes, I will be back soon. I am so done with excuses. Living the life everyday and making the most of whatever it is what I am supposed to be doing. See you soon.
Friday, April 1, 2011
Much Obliged
I am not a deeply religious person, but I don't think one has to be religious in order to appreciate certain aspects of life. Although, I am not always optimistic, sometimes I think it helps to write down things that we appreciate. That said, for today, I am much obliged to the following:
1. Sunshine. Spring is truly on the horizon. Winters are too long, snowy and dreary here. A bit of sunshine always perks me up, even though it may be still a bit chilly.
2. Friends. I wouldn't make it through my life without them. I know I am not always the easiest person to deal with & I can be quite contrary, so I am glad that I have friends that see through my exterior.
3. Living in the US. I may bitch about taxes, the government and other wrongful things but I am happy that I live in a land where people have opportunity and there is not a bleak horizon. We are very fortunate to live in a place, although not perfect, that allows us to live a somewhat peaceful existence.
4. Education. I am fortunate that I have had the opportunity to complete at least one college degree and I am slowly working on another. Although, I feel like giving up on the graduate degree, I know I should finish it because one, I have come this far, & two, I am very lucky that I have had the chance to pursue the second degree. Not everyone has had the educational opportunities that I have been given. I also realize opportunities aren't always given but sometimes they must be earned. Education is a difficult pursuit but we are always learning, aren't we? Even if we don't all pursue higher advanced degrees, educate yourself in other ways, whether through traveling, reading, etc.
So, today I am much obliged for the above, although I should be grateful for everything that I have because I have so much more than other people. Good weather, education, friends, and living in the US, at this point, what more could I ask for? Don't get me wrong, there are days I wish for more, but then I realize,just appreciate what I have. Things may get better or they may get worse & I have no control over that. So for today, I will be optimistic,less envious, and that is all I can ask of myself.
1. Sunshine. Spring is truly on the horizon. Winters are too long, snowy and dreary here. A bit of sunshine always perks me up, even though it may be still a bit chilly.
2. Friends. I wouldn't make it through my life without them. I know I am not always the easiest person to deal with & I can be quite contrary, so I am glad that I have friends that see through my exterior.
3. Living in the US. I may bitch about taxes, the government and other wrongful things but I am happy that I live in a land where people have opportunity and there is not a bleak horizon. We are very fortunate to live in a place, although not perfect, that allows us to live a somewhat peaceful existence.
4. Education. I am fortunate that I have had the opportunity to complete at least one college degree and I am slowly working on another. Although, I feel like giving up on the graduate degree, I know I should finish it because one, I have come this far, & two, I am very lucky that I have had the chance to pursue the second degree. Not everyone has had the educational opportunities that I have been given. I also realize opportunities aren't always given but sometimes they must be earned. Education is a difficult pursuit but we are always learning, aren't we? Even if we don't all pursue higher advanced degrees, educate yourself in other ways, whether through traveling, reading, etc.
So, today I am much obliged for the above, although I should be grateful for everything that I have because I have so much more than other people. Good weather, education, friends, and living in the US, at this point, what more could I ask for? Don't get me wrong, there are days I wish for more, but then I realize,just appreciate what I have. Things may get better or they may get worse & I have no control over that. So for today, I will be optimistic,less envious, and that is all I can ask of myself.
Monday, March 28, 2011
Taxes-In Government We Trust
People say taxes are a necessary evil but are they really? Our government seems to take more and more from good citizens but what are the limits? It doesn't seem like the government wants to live within their means or even budget our dollars, which we so freely give them; however if a citizen doesn't live within his/her means and our payments are late, we get fined of course. Big government what are you teaching our society, if anything? Is living in excess really living?
Like any good citizen, I filed my taxes this year. On my W-4 forms, I have 0, which means the government is supposed to take out more money but every year, I owe our state government (and local city, but I will get to that in a minute). Usually, I get a little back from Federal to pay the state but that didn't happen this year, instead I owe the federal government $3.00, yes you read that right. I laughed and then I thought about this, what am I doing wrong on my taxes? Probably nothing, truthfully, I am penalized because I am single, no kids, not a homeowner & I work two jobs. Even though both of my jobs individually take enough taxes out, when both amounts are added together, the government sees massive dollar signs and decides I owe them money. Does this even make sense? Why should my total income, even though it was earned separately put me in a higher tax bracket? Isn't there a better way to figure out this outdated, broken tax system? No, of course not, I love giving away almost 30% of my income to a government that cannot even manage their own finances! Money should say, "In Government We Trust" because that is who we as a society put our trust into but how much trust should we put into them?
My state government has decided I owe them around $250.00, oh really, last I checked I worked, lived, and spent money here. I already paid you taxes but I owe you more? So, what do you want next from me, blood or perhaps a kidney? The only thing we don't pay taxes on is food (unless it is take out food from a restaurant)? So how much of my money am I really giving? Should I keep all my receipts to prove to you that I do pay more taxes on material goods and other such items? Oh, if I purchase anything from out of state, my state wants me to pay them a USE tax, even though I bought the item from another state, I have to pay my state tax on it (even if I already paid tax on it from another state). Really? The item was not made or distributed here, how is that even legal?
Then there is the local income tax, which is probably the most troublesome of all. I work in one city but live in another. Both of my employers take out taxes for the city I work in but they don't take out taxes where I live. As I said previously, I am not a homeowner but the city where I live, insists that anyone living within their limits must pay taxes. Now I pay my landlord rent and he pays the city taxes out of that rent, shouldn't that be sufficient? No, of course not! Guess how much credit I get for paying taxes for my working city? 1%!!! Yes, so generous of them. My city also insists that 90% of 2010 taxes be paid by January 31, 2011. Most people barely even have their W-2 forms by then, so an estimate of taxes can only be paid. If one doesn't pay by the end of January, then a $25.00 late fee is imposed. I am not sure how this city gets away with this because I don't understand how it is even legal to expect citizens to pay for taxes that haven't been filed yet & the city's website even says we have in until April 2011 to file taxes, so how can they charge a late fee on taxes that haven't been filed? And why are renters paying taxes that landlords already pay? Allegedly, we are paying for police, fire, & other public services (my total per month if my employers were to take it out, in the city I live comes to about $40.00 a month). Truthfully, I pay almost as much in local taxes if not more, than I do for state taxes. It is truly baffling to me.
So, all these tax issues have made me think about where is my money really going & do I want to give it away so freely? I know I am always going to have to pay taxes in some form but there are things I can do to cut down on my tax paying. One, stop spending so much money. That's easier said than done but think how much you pay on taxes on items you buy. Two, move out of the city (and possibly the county), I live in. We probably one of the highest, if not the highest taxed counties in our state(not much confidence in this county because there has been massive political corruption here). Three, possibly move to another state, where there is no state income tax. These are doable actions but the biggest move has to come from me and I have to make a decision on where my money is going to do the most good and that is in my bank account. Big government, take note, I will keep as much as my money to myself. I will not cheat or lie on my tax forms but I would like for you to take some things under consideration as well. One, our tax system needs to be revamped and two, learn to budget, we must all live within our means and you are not exempt from this.
Like any good citizen, I filed my taxes this year. On my W-4 forms, I have 0, which means the government is supposed to take out more money but every year, I owe our state government (and local city, but I will get to that in a minute). Usually, I get a little back from Federal to pay the state but that didn't happen this year, instead I owe the federal government $3.00, yes you read that right. I laughed and then I thought about this, what am I doing wrong on my taxes? Probably nothing, truthfully, I am penalized because I am single, no kids, not a homeowner & I work two jobs. Even though both of my jobs individually take enough taxes out, when both amounts are added together, the government sees massive dollar signs and decides I owe them money. Does this even make sense? Why should my total income, even though it was earned separately put me in a higher tax bracket? Isn't there a better way to figure out this outdated, broken tax system? No, of course not, I love giving away almost 30% of my income to a government that cannot even manage their own finances! Money should say, "In Government We Trust" because that is who we as a society put our trust into but how much trust should we put into them?
My state government has decided I owe them around $250.00, oh really, last I checked I worked, lived, and spent money here. I already paid you taxes but I owe you more? So, what do you want next from me, blood or perhaps a kidney? The only thing we don't pay taxes on is food (unless it is take out food from a restaurant)? So how much of my money am I really giving? Should I keep all my receipts to prove to you that I do pay more taxes on material goods and other such items? Oh, if I purchase anything from out of state, my state wants me to pay them a USE tax, even though I bought the item from another state, I have to pay my state tax on it (even if I already paid tax on it from another state). Really? The item was not made or distributed here, how is that even legal?
Then there is the local income tax, which is probably the most troublesome of all. I work in one city but live in another. Both of my employers take out taxes for the city I work in but they don't take out taxes where I live. As I said previously, I am not a homeowner but the city where I live, insists that anyone living within their limits must pay taxes. Now I pay my landlord rent and he pays the city taxes out of that rent, shouldn't that be sufficient? No, of course not! Guess how much credit I get for paying taxes for my working city? 1%!!! Yes, so generous of them. My city also insists that 90% of 2010 taxes be paid by January 31, 2011. Most people barely even have their W-2 forms by then, so an estimate of taxes can only be paid. If one doesn't pay by the end of January, then a $25.00 late fee is imposed. I am not sure how this city gets away with this because I don't understand how it is even legal to expect citizens to pay for taxes that haven't been filed yet & the city's website even says we have in until April 2011 to file taxes, so how can they charge a late fee on taxes that haven't been filed? And why are renters paying taxes that landlords already pay? Allegedly, we are paying for police, fire, & other public services (my total per month if my employers were to take it out, in the city I live comes to about $40.00 a month). Truthfully, I pay almost as much in local taxes if not more, than I do for state taxes. It is truly baffling to me.
So, all these tax issues have made me think about where is my money really going & do I want to give it away so freely? I know I am always going to have to pay taxes in some form but there are things I can do to cut down on my tax paying. One, stop spending so much money. That's easier said than done but think how much you pay on taxes on items you buy. Two, move out of the city (and possibly the county), I live in. We probably one of the highest, if not the highest taxed counties in our state(not much confidence in this county because there has been massive political corruption here). Three, possibly move to another state, where there is no state income tax. These are doable actions but the biggest move has to come from me and I have to make a decision on where my money is going to do the most good and that is in my bank account. Big government, take note, I will keep as much as my money to myself. I will not cheat or lie on my tax forms but I would like for you to take some things under consideration as well. One, our tax system needs to be revamped and two, learn to budget, we must all live within our means and you are not exempt from this.
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