Yeah, I know another morbid post but there's a reason for this I promise. At my work recently there have been a few suicides and a woman was also found in our park system, who had committed suicide. It's ironic that if I ever choose to end my life, I thought I would do it the same way this woman did but I would be more desolate about it, alone in death like in life (yes I truly do have somewhat of a plan if it ever comes to that).
I can't pretend to know what a person that committed suicide has went through because I don't know. Everyone's experience is individual. I don't know what every suicidal person feels and maybe no one will ever understand completely; however I can tell you what a person feels like when she is on the brink of suicide along with a failed attempt & some half-assed attempts. Yep, I had a failed suicide attempt. I won't go into the details of what happened but I was young & it made me very ill, so instead of dying, I got sick. Guess I am not very good at that sort of thing.
The teenage years, 18 and even into the early twenties are such fragile ages. No one ever tells you how hard life is. I remember Buffy (from Buffy the Vampire Slayer) telling her sister as Buffy goes off to save the world, "The hardest thing to do in this world is live in it." Deciding to live in this world is a hard thing but deciding to die is no easy task either.
Committing suicide takes guts. Sorry if people that have lost someone to suicide find this offensive. I am no way admiring (or advocating either) someone for taking his/her own life but saying it takes a lot of determination and sheer will to pull the trigger, put one's neck in the noose, drive the car off the cliff, or whatever method is chosen, that takes guts. It's not a choice to be taken lightly. It's final and dying isn't always so easy either, much like living.
I've been put down, laughed at, made fun of, made to feel like the most worthless person ever, heartbroken, unloved, stomped on, ostracized by my father, verbally assaulted by my mother, called more worthless names than I can count. At times it felt like the pain was infinite and would never go away. An ex once told me, the pain was in my head, well M. you are an asshole and fuck you. Yet, somehow I went on living, at least pretended like I was living. I went through the motions that everything was fine, even though I felt like a living dead girl, alive on the outside, dead on the inside. Pretending to be "alive" and happy is no easy task. There were even times I felt like I had nothing to lose, which can be dangerous indeed. I've been reckless, despondent, thought many times "this is it, I can't take it anymore" but I kept going for whatever reason. Maybe I thought things would get better or maybe I just stopped caring or maybe I just realized there are too many assholes in this world and some people need to be told to fuck off. Maybe I haven't reached my true breaking point yet. Maybe all my previous attempts were really not really attempts and I knew that life meant much more than dying.
No one can live for you and you can't live for anyone. If you want to stay alive, it has to be your choice. Maybe one day, I will feel like I have nothing to lose and I will succeed in an attempt. Truly I really don't know but I do know this, I am alive for today and that is what matters. I guess I am more resilient than I give myself credit for. And to all the people who have treated me like I was worthless and tried to break me, well Fuck You. Oh, and to all the people that I cared about but never gave a rat's ass about me in return, Fuck You too. Yeah, I said Fuck You.
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